SPRING WEEKEND=)

Okay..it's been awhile I'm sorrrrrrrrry=[ I've been busy with schoolwork and rugby and stressing about my life. But for this weekened thats all done with it..I got all my work done for monday yesterday and guess what this weekend is!? SPRING WEEKEND. For those of you that don't what this weekend means, basically its the LAST BIG hurraaaaah! Yessss last one for the year..so what do we do...get drunk all weekend and do around the world and hang out with all the seniors. I've actually had the honor of being real close with them and honestly they have given me so much and I'm going to miss them terribly. It's going to be different. I will give you a full background of the seniors and how much they mean to me in a later post. As of now..it's 1pm I have class at 2pm....I've already made myself drink # 1 and will be playing drinking games in class..yeaah this will be fun=] I'll give you updates soon!

-Saskia

True Love...?

Love. What is love exactly? Everyone longs to hear those words "I love you" and not from their parents or friends but from someone you care alot about that you want in your life forever. But heres the thing. When it's said, does it really mean anything?

    I have this friend. Her freshman year her and this boy who is now graduated had a relationship. They went out for three years and it was for sure they would be together forever. I was always asking her when the wedding was and everything. That's how serious this was. And I wasn't the only one who thought it, we all did! Well about a couple weeks ago I find out they have broken up and thought it was just another phase they were going through. So this past weekend I asked her about it and I she says, he hates me were done for good and she walks away. I look at my friend with confused looks on both our faces. So we find her the next day and sit down with her and ask her what is going on. Well turns out a year ago he had cheated on her with another one of  our friends who also graduated and never told her. So basically we were all fooled to believe that they were meant for each other. Well while he's gone, she ended up cheating on him recently but she told him the day after and it took him a year to tell her that he cheated on her with the other chick. Well all hell breaks loose, he calls her all these names and they break up and are done. What sucks even more is that he's one of our friends as well. So I mean I understand I'm not forced to choose sides, but it still sucks because both parties fucked up.

 So heres where my questions comes in. Does love even exsist? And if it does, is it for real? Seeing this couple I had hope. Like YES! Love is real and everyone can find it and true love is still somewhere out there. But then hearing all this it's like, there really is no such thing. That all relationships are based on lies and secrets. Every relationship I've witnessed, something always happens and gets fucked up. Which leaves me with no hope what so ever. So what's your opinion on this. Is true love impossible?

Lovers & Friends

     I've never been one to care for people too much. I did some thinking and of course some creeping and I realize that I have met a lot of people within these 20 years I've been around. I don't want to sound concieted or self-centered, cause we all know I'm the last person that should get a big head, but people do know me. Even through mutual friends, I'm known. It's funny because people I considered close, well their gone. I'm not clingy, I don't look for drama with people, honestly I keep to myself...a lot. So my question is why do people fade away in life? I was doing some creeping on facebook and fell upon so many people I was good friends with and then all of sudden it just stopped. One pattern in them is that boyfriends always came first. I mean ALWAYS. Which is always pretty fucked up. Maybe I just didn't know how to pick them...I honestly couldn't tell you. But one thing I know is that it was never my fault. I can tell you straight up that if I were the problem I would admit it and be done with my life. I can admit fault...some people can't. I was never the type of person to get attached to quickly, but I was always the one that opened up too quickly but never to scare people away, which made it easier for my heart to get broken by a "friend". And I'll admit I set myself up for hurt sometimes. I guess I just trust in people too easily. There are somedays where I'll sit and think about the times I use to have with friends. Do I wish I could go back and change things? Yes. If I had one more chance to make right with some people would I do it? Maybe. Do I regret some of my friendships? Always. Why? Because the ones that I regret are the ones that hurt the most to lose. I think it was the fact that I knew I was losing them  that made it even harder. That's thing about me, when I make friends with someone, I can tell whether it's going to last or not. But yet I still open up each time. I hate myself for being so ignorant. And what sucks the most, those people never even bother saying Hi once in awhile. Well you know what I say...Fuck them. One day they will realize they lost a good thing and it'll be too late for them to "patch" things up again. Because I will look the other way and pretend they never exsisted, just like they did to me.

     Another thing I've been thinking about. Okay so this weekend right, I went away. I went to this party with friends and had a good time. I danced blah blah and all that bullshit. Well heres the thing...when it came to boys, I wasn't interested...I'm not a lesbian, I'll explain what I mean. It's like when I talk to a dude, I have no desire to hook up with them, nor do I have that same desire for a girl. Most of the time I just pay attention to me and that's all I care about.Sometimes I feel like I'm asexaul because I don't go guy or girl crazy. But then I wonder if I ever will get into a relationship because I don't try...at all. But then I bitch about life and how I can never get a guy. Well why do I bitch when shit goes both ways you know. In order for me to start a love life, I need to try and talk to a guy and keep his interest. But see heres the thing, I'm always scared I'm gonna say something stupid and usually thats what holds me back from life...EACH TIME. I get nervous alot. But honestly I really do need to grow some balls. And the worst part is I'm in this fantasy world where I keep thinking the guy that I like will one day just come up to me and tell me it's me he's wanted all along...well I should probably get it through my head now that it's never gonna happen and I need to stop waiting for something that's never gonna come true. It's called me facing reality. Shit's never gonna work out the way I want it to, so I need to stop dreaming.NOW. But here's the problem, What do I do exactly? I feel like can't handle a relationship but I kind of want someone around you know...but I don't talk lol and even if I started to I wouldn't know what to say and my self-esteem doesn't really help. So what do I do with my life now? Wait around for prince-charming? Well when he comes along I probably won't realize it because I'm way too shy to say anything so we would never have a conversation, so basically I'm doomed for dinner for 1 forever. I need serious help.