Lovers & Friends

     I've never been one to care for people too much. I did some thinking and of course some creeping and I realize that I have met a lot of people within these 20 years I've been around. I don't want to sound concieted or self-centered, cause we all know I'm the last person that should get a big head, but people do know me. Even through mutual friends, I'm known. It's funny because people I considered close, well their gone. I'm not clingy, I don't look for drama with people, honestly I keep to myself...a lot. So my question is why do people fade away in life? I was doing some creeping on facebook and fell upon so many people I was good friends with and then all of sudden it just stopped. One pattern in them is that boyfriends always came first. I mean ALWAYS. Which is always pretty fucked up. Maybe I just didn't know how to pick them...I honestly couldn't tell you. But one thing I know is that it was never my fault. I can tell you straight up that if I were the problem I would admit it and be done with my life. I can admit fault...some people can't. I was never the type of person to get attached to quickly, but I was always the one that opened up too quickly but never to scare people away, which made it easier for my heart to get broken by a "friend". And I'll admit I set myself up for hurt sometimes. I guess I just trust in people too easily. There are somedays where I'll sit and think about the times I use to have with friends. Do I wish I could go back and change things? Yes. If I had one more chance to make right with some people would I do it? Maybe. Do I regret some of my friendships? Always. Why? Because the ones that I regret are the ones that hurt the most to lose. I think it was the fact that I knew I was losing them  that made it even harder. That's thing about me, when I make friends with someone, I can tell whether it's going to last or not. But yet I still open up each time. I hate myself for being so ignorant. And what sucks the most, those people never even bother saying Hi once in awhile. Well you know what I say...Fuck them. One day they will realize they lost a good thing and it'll be too late for them to "patch" things up again. Because I will look the other way and pretend they never exsisted, just like they did to me.

     Another thing I've been thinking about. Okay so this weekend right, I went away. I went to this party with friends and had a good time. I danced blah blah and all that bullshit. Well heres the thing...when it came to boys, I wasn't interested...I'm not a lesbian, I'll explain what I mean. It's like when I talk to a dude, I have no desire to hook up with them, nor do I have that same desire for a girl. Most of the time I just pay attention to me and that's all I care about.Sometimes I feel like I'm asexaul because I don't go guy or girl crazy. But then I wonder if I ever will get into a relationship because I don't try...at all. But then I bitch about life and how I can never get a guy. Well why do I bitch when shit goes both ways you know. In order for me to start a love life, I need to try and talk to a guy and keep his interest. But see heres the thing, I'm always scared I'm gonna say something stupid and usually thats what holds me back from life...EACH TIME. I get nervous alot. But honestly I really do need to grow some balls. And the worst part is I'm in this fantasy world where I keep thinking the guy that I like will one day just come up to me and tell me it's me he's wanted all along...well I should probably get it through my head now that it's never gonna happen and I need to stop waiting for something that's never gonna come true. It's called me facing reality. Shit's never gonna work out the way I want it to, so I need to stop dreaming.NOW. But here's the problem, What do I do exactly? I feel like can't handle a relationship but I kind of want someone around you know...but I don't talk lol and even if I started to I wouldn't know what to say and my self-esteem doesn't really help. So what do I do with my life now? Wait around for prince-charming? Well when he comes along I probably won't realize it because I'm way too shy to say anything so we would never have a conversation, so basically I'm doomed for dinner for 1 forever. I need serious help.