Happy Birthday...

So crazy weekend! I don't know really where to beginning. Well it was my best friend's birthday weekend and I planned everything out because I needed this to be a good time for her. Last year I had thrown her a surprise party and it was a complete success. So then I was like, what can top it off this year? Well, let me just start from the beginning.

Friday was this event at my school they have every year called Up All Night were all the clubs get together and set up booths to raise money for their organization. I was in it for rugby. We sold hot dogs because well on a Friday night lets face it everyone is gonna be drunk so they get hungry. We made over $135 just by selling those which is awesome for us. The boys team did wax a rugger or pie a rugger and well that pretty simple to understand, it was a good time! So that lasted till 2am whatever. Saturday was even bigger. See I love my friend this much...I wanted to throw her a party down in senior housing and of course that was no problem to find but our issue was getting speakers. I went out and bought a $150 dollar stereo system just for her! I'm crazy but it's a pretty sweet stereo system too. It's SOOOO LOUD I'm in love. So now on weekends when I'm getting ready I can BLAST my music over everyones music I'm sooooo pumped. Anyways, I did that and we had the party that night, we all looked fabulous and what not and the party was a huge success, all that matter was that she was happy. I got captains and coke spilt over my dress which mind you was an off set white I WAS PISSSEDD. I wanted to cry but I didn't. But I was really upset by it, but I didn't let it get to me and clearly no one gave a shit so I got over it, just like I do everything else in my life. So anyways party was a great turnout the place was packed it was fun. So then today Sunday it was her actually birthday and boy did I have surprises for her ALL day=] First off every year she gets and ice cream cake, it's a tradition of hers and she always talks about it. So she's been talking about it all week how she wanted to get one, but comon obviously I wasn't gonna let her buy it herself! So I got it and surprised it with her early in the afternoon. She was super happy about it. Her second surprise was her birthday present. I got her a vibrator from spencers=] hahah she was beyond shocked! So then a few of s went out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse which was BOMB. Were all having a goodtime whatever and then the final suprise of the weekend was taking her to a stripclub. Well me being an idiot forgot my id at school so I wasn't able to get in which really sucked because I planned it all and I didn't even get to see how it was. So one of the girls didn't want to stay so me and her went around and visited different colleges. They had fun without me though so it's all good. I'm over it. I put other people first. In life you have to make sacrifices for the people that you love,and then maybe one day someone will come along and care enough to make the same sacrifices..I'm just waiting for that someday and someone. But she had a good time so that's really all that mattered to me, it was her weekend. She loved it! I'm glad because if it sucked I'd be pissed that I worked so hard for nothing. Successful weekend though I'd have to say.

Me on the other hand, I'm bummed. I don't know why I do it to myself, I always set myself up for hurt. ALWAYS. I don't really know why either because I KNOW better. Theres this kid. He's one of my good friends. Well I use to debate whether or not I had feelings for him or not and I told myself NO. Well in the back of my head I guess I still kept the thought there and it always comes back, which sucks. Well one of my friends had came up this weekend because she's my roommates best friend. She had told me she had feelings for this kid for awhile so I backed off, told her I would help her out and what not. Well she "got to know him" and I don't know something in me kind of sank, way way way deep down to the pit of my stomache, which kind of sucked. But then again I kick myself because I know I'm not suppose to, at all, like it was stupid stupid stupid of me to ever think that anything would ever happen, because were just friends. But then in the car I got really upset because he used to like one of my friends and I don't know, he might still and that really got me down because she's one of those girls that always get attention. So basically, I'm back in a funk and it sucks. It's gonna take a while to get back out of it. It sucks and I hate it but like it mostly my self-esteem dropping to below zero and then so much other shit is added onto it, like how I felt today and what not. I need to focus on something else to keep me from tearing up and thinking too much about my life.

So what has Saskia learned from all this? That shit happens. That somethings work out in life and somethings don't. I also still need to learn that I can't change the way something is. That I must learn to deal no matter how tough it is or will be. And that I shouldn't set my hopes so high up anymore or else it will be a really far fall down for me, making it's easier for me to get to hurt. I must accept the way life is and just hope it gets better for me...

To Settle Down or Not...?

Do you ever have that one person who you just feel everything for. Just that one person who your like
" I can see myself with him." No matter what you hear and what you know it's just like...."I'm willing to wait till your ready to settle down." Even if they don't know it yet, you can just feel as though it may happen. Well that's kind of how I feel about this one guy. We'll call him Frank. See heres the thing about Frank. He came freshman year and we were friends and what not and then I started to like him. So winter break came around and I thought about it and was like you know what, I'm gonna grow some balls and tell him how I feel and whatever happens happens, just as long as we remain friends. Well second semester rolls around and he never came back and I was like "SHIT" honestly, this WOULD only happen to me. As soon as I feel sure about something, it just gets blown up in my face. Well, my good friend became like good friends with him over the summer because they lived near each other. So we all got a little bit closer and it was great. We talked almost the enitre summer. Just as friends though. But it seemed pretty obvious that he was just looking to just fuck around for awhile and live life. Which of course is fine I mean were all still pretty young why get serious? Sometimes I'm always like oh I want a boyfriend but then I look at my friends with their fucked up relationships and I'm just like I'm good doing me like I don't need any drama right now. Anywho, we got back to school and he finally came back and I liked him more and more everytime I talked to him. But of course, were going to be nothing but friends. But honestly I can't help but think that somethings there. Like there is, I don't feel like this about a lot of people but...okay say were with a group of people, whenever he tells a story he only looks at me, like I'm the only one. I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I don't usually get that vibe from alot of guys, especially with my self-esteem but with him it's really different. I don't know! It's SOOOO confusing. But he just one of my good friends and he's just shooting the shit, no talk of a relationship nothing, literally if a girl talks about it he runs away. Which I don't know makes some sense, cause he just a college boy looking to have fun, I get it. I'm not trying to be held down either. But some of me hopes that if he does get ready to settle down, I would be it you know. Me and my wild dreams though, their pretty ridiculous. I shouldn't get my hopes up because I always feel as though I'm nothing special to wait for. But I still keep a little faith, I don't know it may be silly. But theres something there. Or maybe I'm the only one that feels it. I'd hate to be one of those stupid girls who can't tell the difference between a guy whose just being a nice or a guy who actually cares...

Themed Parties?!?

Okay sorry it's been a few days, things are just crazy and what not and whatever. I'm back. So I had a crazy weekend here at good ole frankie p, but it's nothing I can't really explain because you guys will be like who gives a shit. So theres no point. But on the plus side, I'm a host for overnight incoming freshman, so basically they shadow me and stay with me for a night and see what the campus is like. My girl came up yesterday and her name was Angela. I tell you about this one because she was different. I've had 2 different girls already and both were really wierd. Like really really wierd. So she was like a breath of fresh air compared to them. To make things even better she's from my old high school! YES! Crazy right? So she filled me in on EVERYTHING and my High School is completely shit now. Apparently the place smells like weed all the time and everyone coming to school drunk and what not and they are super strict because it's a Catholic school, so we wear uniforms, and I guess everything just changed. I'm so glad I was the last class to actually have it good=] Yay me! But she was cool, she really liked it here, I mean she had a good time so I wouldn't see why not. But yeah we had fun. So she really wants to come here and she was like "I was scared I was gonna get someone that didn't go out or didn't have fun, basically the opposite of me" but lucky for her I wasn't=]

Sooo my best friend Miranda's birthday is this weekend right so I have a few things planned just for  her. I want to throw her a party on Saturday, you know just for the fun of it, and I want it to be themed. Well I had the idea of "Anything But Clothes" but then I started to think about it and it probably won't be a good idea cause what will people wear? So now I'm not really sure what to do! Any idea's for a themes party pleaaaaseee help me! Then Sunday, we have everything planned out! A couple of our closest friends are going to take her to Texas Roadhouse and then surprising her with something very special and wierd/fun. I won't tell you guys either so you'll have to wait=]  Hopefully it all works out...I want this to be special for her, she's my best friend and I think she really deserves it, so I will def keep you guys updated! I have some news but I can't really share it yet because I need to think about it for a little bit.

Story of my life in a nutshell!=]

till next time!
-saskia

Fairy Tales Suck

So I'm still wicked sick, but I won't let that hold me down from writing to you guys!

So let me just start with yesterday. My good guy friend came in a had a great heart to heart with me about life. Literally vented about everything to me and I felt kind of special. Then he made me feel a little good about myself too. We were talking about this dude who was dancing with like a huge chick...(big girls need loving too) and this is how the conversation went.

Him: He was dancing with this fat chick and I was like ew no
Me: ouch what does that make me?
Him: uhm NO NO NO NO NO, if you were ugly or fat I wouldn't have danced with you last weekend, I don't have friends that are ugly, My friends are all good-looking because an ugly person on the outside is an ugly person on the inside.
Me: Awwwww

I know, I know it's not much of a "fairy tale" statement to say, but coming from this boy, it kind of was. He's a good kid. One of my closest friends and I feel like I can talk to him about anything, literally anything...well not everything.... but we'll save that for another day.

You know what really sucks, seeing your friends hook up with your other friends that you've had feelings for before. I'm not really the jealous type,well at least I don't show it because I have to maintain my stance of not giving a shit. But deep down it really does hurt. But I can't do shit about it because well I'm a huge pussy and I'm almost positive no ones interested in what I got to give. I won't get my spirts down though, not now. I'm way too happy right now to care. Well not right this second cause I feel like shit...but you know what I mean.

I'm going to sleep now...I'm super tired and it's been a long asss day. Keep you updated later!=]
-saskia

I Feel Like Dying...Not Literally

So today, I got sick. I have a fever and my body hurts everywhere and I'm coughing up a lung over here like a damn smoker...I don't smoke. I feel like completely shit so this post won't be too long on account I don't have the energy to do so and I have 2 papers to finish....FML honestly! I'll fill you in when I get better.

Till next time!

-Saskia

Words Can Take A Girl Far

So this weekend was okay. It was cold, like really cold! I can't WAIT for the spring to come so the cold will be the least of my worries. But something did happen last night that I think deserves to be told because it put a huge smile on my face.

Last night I went out with my friends and went to senior housing and chilled with them. Were all having a great time mind you and I'm like I need to step outside and get some air. So we go outside and as I'm walking down the steps I see this kid. I see him around and like I say hi once in awhile whatever. He goes to give me a high five and then holds my hand and says, "I think you are one of the sexiest girls". I froze, I was literally baffaled. I was like thank you, but then he let go and all of sudden his girlfriend comes up and he was like "and this is my girlfriend". I walked away, still in disbelief. No one has ever said something like that to me, ever. I tried to analyze it, figure out if maybe he said it out of a sick joke, but he was a little intoxicated, so I don't think it could be a sick joke. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Then I thought to myself, don't analyze it. It is what it is. For once in my life saskia, take the compliment and be proud of it. Don't wonder why they said and turn it into something bad. Don't you think for once in your lifetime, someone does find you attractive?

So I stopped anaylzing it and just let be. This doesn't mean I think I'm the shit. Far from it. I have a long way to go before I'm actually comfortable in my own skin. Baby steps. I see that boy all the time. But he will never know that his drunken words actually gave me some hope in myself. You never know what words can do to a person. Thank You mister, for putting a smile on my face.

Insecurities...

Today was a better day. I had a smile on that wasn't as fake as it would usually be. I was thinking today, about fears. Everyone has them and if you think about them they are very random stuff. Some people are scared of spiders, some people are scared of the dark.

Myself, am not scared of much. Not alot of things scare me. But I do have one big fear. It's probably the biggest fear I have. Rejection. The ability of someone saying "No" to me.  Honestly I hate it. I get sick to my stomache when I get turned down which is why I don't take too much risk and I don't take huge leaps with alot of things in life. I hate rejection more than anything in the world. Every since I was little, I never really liked asking my parents for things because I was scared of them saying No to me. I get sick to my stomache when I have to ask someone a question. It's really painful. I mean I understand I no one likes rejection, I get it, obviously it's not the best thing in the world. Like no one jumps around and screams for joy when they are rejected. I understand that. But with me, I don't handle rejection well at all. If I get said No to once, I won't ever ask again and I will lose all hope in everything I do and not bother moving on. I guess you could say I've let that keep me back a lot but it really hasn't. My secret, it's no secret I just do it myself. I don't ask for favors I'm pretty independent and what not. But there are somethings I just can't do. When someones like"what's the worst thing they could say , No?" I'm always like yes, that to me is by far the WORST thing someone could say to me. Like I said I don't handle rejection to well.

Like a perfect example; last weekend I was at this party with some friends at a friends house. I met this kid, his name was chris. I had talked to him all night and he loved me, thought I was so funny and what not and we were cool. So one of my friends was like, ask him to dance. This was the convo:

KB: "Ask him to dance!?"
Me: "WHAT!?!"
KB: "Ask him to dance just do it!"
Me: "I can't, what if he says no, I don't want to deal with that"
KB: "If you don't do it, then I will ask him for you"
Me: *silence*
KB:"I'm gonna"
Me:"okay I'll ask him"

And so I did, and to my surprise, he said yes and was actually really happy to dance with me and we had fun and I danced with him the entire time. It was great.

My issue: I need to grow some balls, and do things like that more often. Like I really do because I've missed so many oppurtunites in my lifetime because I was always too scared of people saying no to me. I'm really scared of things like that.

My goal: To grow a pair and do it. Just do it. Like what exactly is stopping me? Oh wait now I remember..ALL MY INSECURITES and MY LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

Like what can I do, to feel good about myself? If I don't feel good about myself, then no one will feel good about me! Does that make sense? What do I do? How do I become more comfortable with myself?

Truth..

I'm scared that I'll never be good enough for any boy.

I wish I was good enough, just for once...

One Other Person In the World

I read this today on sixbillionsecrets.com and almost burst into tears. Whoever you are out there I know how you feel.

I always make sure I ask my friends how they are.
I've listen to them rant. I've listen to them complain about how horrible a day they had.

I've even talked one out of believing he didn't have a purpose in living.

But just once I wish some one would ask me how my day was.

Because the smile I wear grows more and more fake each day

Be By Myself

I had a really shitty day today. Like honestly one of the worst days so far. Like first off, I know I'm starting to get sick I can feel it in my throat (no pun intended). Second I'm extremely tired its ridicoulous. I got in one of the moods again where I just hate everything about myself, like legit everything about it. I like wanted to cry all day and what not. I've been just so upset with myself, not anyone else but myself. Like today I legit hated myself and it brings my self-esteem or well lack of even more down. Like it's one of those times where I feel so low about myself that all my thoughts begin to consume my entire life. I feel like if I were to talk to anyone, no one would even understand me. I'm ALWAYS around to listen to other peoples problems, but I just KNOW when it comes to my own no one will give two flying fucks about it. Yes I just know it already. I guess it's just easier for the world to just come to me and tell me their problems, I'll listen, I'll care I'll help, no big deal. It's fine if no one listens to me. It's funny what a smile can hide. Everyone sees it and thinks eveythings just dandy and sweet in a persons life...people need to learn to really open their eyes more often to the world. At practice today I fucked up once and I almost BALLED my eyes out. Not because I fucked up but everything just came back and I got overwhelmed with everything I was so pisssed off about and got so mad. I really wanted to cry. I never want to cry in front of my teammates, as much as their my sisters, it shows weakness because deep down, I can't stay strong, but someone has to. I have to show that I am a strong person because I'm tired of the bullshit I got when I wasn't. But really deep down, I'm shattered to pieces and have no idea how to put myself back together. But no one knows that side of me. It's a cruel world out there, you show any sign of weakness you will honestly get ripped apart and I'm terrified that one day that will happen...

For now I'm just going to sit back and smile and listen to the world because I know one day the world will hear me, loud and cear.

I Need A Sign...

Okay. So were going to get snowed in again. Yay!=] It literally has snowed every week since the last big storm in December. NO SCHOOL! Good enough for me=]

Anyway. I'm kind of ticked off. Theres just so much bothering me right now, I don't even know how to explain it all. I'm bummed because my best friend is on crutches so now we can't cause trouble and shoot the shit like we use too. So now I'm confined to this dorm with a bunch of stuck up barbie doll looking bitched that I don't even like for the rest of tonight. Everyone else lives on the other side of campus and like I said, it's snowing and FPU is a hill. Or 5 different hills. I have on friend whose just bugging the shit out of me. Like I want to punch her face, she's so annoying. And SUCH an attention whore. Like everyone needs to be focused on just focused on her. If were not she gets pissed. Like honesty get over yourself. No one give a two flying fucks about you. That's my rant for the day.

I've decided I'm giving up on the whole nonsense that theres such thing as fucking love. I was talking to on of my good friends and we were discussing how sometimes we just want to give up. Just stop all together and honestly I'm to that point where I just want to. I feel like life isnt worth chasing around something I know I will never have. Then I look at some people who honestly don't deserve great people and it's like what am I doing wrong?? Do I not deserve the same thing everyone else is having? Do I not deserve to be loved? I need a very big sign...please.