Be By Myself

I had a really shitty day today. Like honestly one of the worst days so far. Like first off, I know I'm starting to get sick I can feel it in my throat (no pun intended). Second I'm extremely tired its ridicoulous. I got in one of the moods again where I just hate everything about myself, like legit everything about it. I like wanted to cry all day and what not. I've been just so upset with myself, not anyone else but myself. Like today I legit hated myself and it brings my self-esteem or well lack of even more down. Like it's one of those times where I feel so low about myself that all my thoughts begin to consume my entire life. I feel like if I were to talk to anyone, no one would even understand me. I'm ALWAYS around to listen to other peoples problems, but I just KNOW when it comes to my own no one will give two flying fucks about it. Yes I just know it already. I guess it's just easier for the world to just come to me and tell me their problems, I'll listen, I'll care I'll help, no big deal. It's fine if no one listens to me. It's funny what a smile can hide. Everyone sees it and thinks eveythings just dandy and sweet in a persons life...people need to learn to really open their eyes more often to the world. At practice today I fucked up once and I almost BALLED my eyes out. Not because I fucked up but everything just came back and I got overwhelmed with everything I was so pisssed off about and got so mad. I really wanted to cry. I never want to cry in front of my teammates, as much as their my sisters, it shows weakness because deep down, I can't stay strong, but someone has to. I have to show that I am a strong person because I'm tired of the bullshit I got when I wasn't. But really deep down, I'm shattered to pieces and have no idea how to put myself back together. But no one knows that side of me. It's a cruel world out there, you show any sign of weakness you will honestly get ripped apart and I'm terrified that one day that will happen...

For now I'm just going to sit back and smile and listen to the world because I know one day the world will hear me, loud and cear.