Alone in the Winter

I hate the snow. No let me rephrase that. I like the snow and how it looks and all but hate the fact that I have to spend ETERNITY shoveling. Like really snow, why can't you just fall and then pick up after yourself when your all set?I'm living at a place where I won't have to shovel anything. I hate it! And every year when we get a huge snow fall such as this, my mom bitches about how she thinks the neighbors broke our machine even though they are kind enough to clean our sidewalks. She's so ungrateful...

So today was a chill day, I had a lot of time to think, even though thats all I've been doing since I've been home from school is think. Love. I mean sure it's out there but is it for everyone? I mean myself I don't think theres a plan out there for me. I mean I've already made up my life plan of no relationship. I'm gonna have 2 dogs and maybe a cat I don't know. The orignal plan was to just have a bunch of cats but then I realized they won't be as much fun as a dog, so I changed it. I mean I feel like I'm just always waiting for something, anything to happen and it just doesn't. My friend once told me she knew how I felt and that's how it was for her as well. Difference is she's already had two relationships since that conversation and then here I am still waiting. So what exactly do I do now? Wait somemore?? Yeah thats real fun. I mean I know I should be putting myself out there and making first moves and blah blah blah. Trust me, I am but how far is that REALLY gonna take me? But it sucks, cause I'm watching everyone around me have relationships and that one special someone and bullshit like that and of course I'm gonna sit by and force a smile on my face. Of course I'm happy for them, but I'm also scared. That once my friends find that one person I'm gonna be left behind and be alone, for a really looong time. I'm not that type that craves attention, but I also don't want to be forgotten and I feel like no one will ever come along for me. Then what? It's two way street for me I either become some alcholic or a bitch. And as of right now I'm niether one of those lol. But I can totally see it coming. I mean I guess theres one person. Were friends, but its wierd I don't think he'd ever be intrested in me...i say that about every guy I like so get use to it now. I think a lot of my issues have to do with my really really really low self-esteem. It's hard for me, especially when all my friends are like gorgeous, and I always feel like that ugly duckling. yup thats me. I've gotten use to is i guess. What helps is that people love me so I don't worry too much about stuff like this, but once in awhile I do wish I had someone around. Why I hate the winter so much...it gets really really cold.
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