Why Bother?

Why do we try so hard? Like really, I'm serious. We wake up everyday and worry about what other people think of us. We spend countless hours in front of a mirror that obviously lies to us everyday of our lives because we don't recieve the approval that we expected from other people and then lose a little self-esteem everyday. So why do we bother? What is it with people and wanting to seek others approvals? Shouldn't what one person sees in the mirror be all the approval we need? Why do we go through great lengths to just either get shut down, or not even get noticed at all? I mean I bet that everytime I actually try to look decent when going out in publics I'm still another face in the crowd or we get judged or made fun of. "People-watchers" they shit on everyone, I know because I do it too. And the things that I say are pretty bad, so sometime I wonder what people say about me? Thinking about it makes me somewhat sick to my stomache.

Always Smile...

So great news! Rupert is back with me=] Although it was huge fucking drama filled trip to the computer store..I won't bother explaining cause it's too long of complete bullshit. So now I will be updating from school! I have soooooo much to vent about so I'm not sure where exactly to start but I'll try my best to start off.

So I guess we'll start off with rugby. It started already! We have been working our asses off for like the past week. A couple of us started going to the gym last week and ran around and I honestly thought I was all set. Legit. SET. So we've been going to the gym throwing around the ball and what not. Well CLEARLY it wasn't enough, because when practice actually did start this past week,. well lets just say we sure did have it coming for us. We ran 7 laps around our track, and then did sprints and then ran the ball up and down  the field. It may sound gross but I don't give a fuck I sweated SO MUCH. Now on Monday we have to run 5&1/2 laps which equals a whole fucking mile. And to make life even better, there timed. Yup, it's def going to take me a whole FUCKING HOUR. NBD. I'll do the best I can I guess.

You know what I hate? Okay my problem. I have this friend. Right, crazy I have friends! Anyway, were good friends and sometimes I can't help but think that theres something there. Even the tinest bit of chemistry. I don't know, I can just feel it! You know. But then when I actually think about it, I feel somewhat stupid for even thinking that something could ever be and then I get really down in the dumps about it. Sometimes I feel as though I really should give up on trying anything with anyone. I think to myself, "Am I even worth it? Is there ever such thing as hope? And the real question is, should I have it?"

Well, I don't know when I'll have answers to those questions for you, hopefully I end up doing having answers to them. STORY OF MY LIFE
-saskia

Time Off...

So I'm back at school. Unfortunately I don't have my laptop (rupert) with me because well mirco-center fucked up and haven't been able to send it back to me. Make a long story short I split some soda on the keyboard so I'm haven't it fixed but it wont be ready for another week:( I don't know what I'm gonna do. Maybe this will give me some time to actually focus on me and not the distractions of technology and facebook and all the crap. But I do miss. SOOO make another long story short I can't give much updates for a while...if anyone reading the shit that I put on this...which I highly doubt. Whatever, I still try=) Well until next time!

P.s. pats and jets are playing....GO PATS!

Judgement Free Enviroment

I came to a realization today. Some things are meant to stay in the dark. It's best if we don't find out somethings because maybe were too scared to know the real truth. Maybe the truth may make us or break us. Or maybe the truth is just too hard to handle. I'm not sure but I've learned that there are somethings I really just don't want to know. If I'm going to say this, I'm just going to have to come all out with it. No judgements from anyone please. It's a free fucking world get over it. I spent the day with my father today. Me and him have a really close relationship but lately somethings just seemed off with him. Last weekend we went out and we ordered pizza for my little sister. Well I had gone inside and got the pizza and came back I smelt weed.

Me: "Do you smell that?"
Dad: "Smell what??"
Me:"That smell how can you not smell it?"
Dad: "Nope smell nothing"
Me: "Dad, it smells like weed!"
Dad: "How do you know what it smells like?"
Me: ******(silence) "uhm a lot of people on campus smoke it I know";)

And so that was that for now. Then we went to the movies and were mad early for it. So me and my sister went inside and got tickets and then went  back to the car and waited in there.It smelt like weed again...then my dad reached over for the glove box and the smell was coming from him. But of course I was in denial so I was like no, not my dad he wouldn't.

Let me give you my history. Dad use to smoke weed and drink alot when he was younger. Then one day he just stopped and didn't drink or smoke for years. My dad is not an alcholic nor is he a pothead so don't get any ideas of him being a bad father because he's far from it. He did all of this before he was married and had kids. Well about 2-3 years ago my parents had a really bad divorce and now times are tough. During that time, it was really hard for me to cope with the fact that he wasn't around. So I ended up smoking A LOT. It was bad. I felt like weed was my only way of escaping reality. So I became a HUGE pothead my senior year of high school. Then one day I told myself this is not how I should solve my problems. I still smoke but not as much as before. Actually I don't smoke a lot just on occasions and I certainly don't judge anyone that does it. Live free is what I say.

Anywho, so today I went to my Dad's apartment and was just looking around his place and I found a joint. I froze I had no idea what to do. I wasn't even sure how to feel. I was confused but a little humored but just shocked. I didn't expect him to go back to it. So I put it back and left. He drove me home and the entire way I wanted to tell him I found it. The words were right there. But the problem was I didn't really know what to say. I was still shocked. And I felt like if I did confront him about it, he would have felt uncomfortable, which I didn't want him to feel because I didn't care I've done it before. But then I felt like if I did, then it would be a little akward. So I kept it to myself and decided that I didn't want to know why he went back to smoking. I'd rather not be bothered with all that stuff. I decided that he is a grown man and is very wise and that he knew what he was doing. If he hadn't done it before than I would be a little worried, but he has. And so have I and I know what it does. I know how it feels to want to escape reality and pretend that there are no problems in the world. I know it's not the best answer but it's something to ease ones mind. I don't think of him any different, I still see him as my great old dad. And then I thought, what was I so worried about. I LOVE it when older people smoke weed! I think it's the best way to say, "Yes, I don't give a shit, I do what I want and live my life how I want." Maybe one day I will say something but for now I'm just going to leave it as it is, in the dark, I don't want to know, I don't care and I'm going to live my life like I never found out. I mean, some of my friends, their parents smoke and their perfectly fine with is. It doesn't change who they are. It's not like he's doing lines or shoting up(THANK GOD). Then I think we'd have a problem. I love him no matter. He's my dad, my hero, my everything...<3

Snooooow....

Good ole' Wilmington MA got up to 24 inches of snow today. We got more than everyone else. Yup love my town. And guess who the FUCK had to shovel it all?! Yessss my friends, this pissed off chick right here. Except I'm not that pissed off about it. It was actually nice to get outside. I want to go sledding SOO bad...I've always wanted to try snowboarding too. Hopefully I get to do that someday. I was even nice enough to do my neighbors sidewalk which could have been the length of fucking half a football field. Like fuck the gym let's shovel sidewalks! I don't have much to say today. But uhm the snows still falling so yeaah, I'm going to have to do it tommorow morning again. YES! LOVE my LIFE! And I just love how 49 states have snow on the ground except for Florida who clearly is too good for snow. What the fuck EVER FL. Rub it in our faces why don't you, with you sunny skies and hot guys on wonderful beaches...

-saskia

Let's NOT Talk...

Dear Lady that Cleaned My Teeth Today,

    Well you did better than my last dentist so thats a plus. You were really nice so you get some brownie points there. What I don't understand is why you always try and have a full blown conversation with me when my mouth is wide open! I mean I can't say anything to when you do that, I end up sounding like a fucking retard. But yet you continue to force small talk upon me. Are you amused by my inability to move my mouth therefore making me sound stupid or do you seriously think it's normal to talk to me with your hand half way down my throat? I'm just a little bit confused that's all. I just don't understand why you continue to try and humiliate me while you clean my teeth? I mean I'd appreciate it if you didn't or maybe like tell me a story that invovles me not having to speak up. It would be easier than having to answer your questions about my life. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't try to force conversation with me till after you get your hand out of my mouth. Or get all the questions out of the way before you shove my mouth open. Either way, I won't feel stupid while your cleaning my teeth. That's all I wanted say. Nothing more. Thank you for the fabulous job and I can't wait to get my wisdom teeth out=/.

                                                                                                           Sincerely
                                                                A Confused Patient

A Letter to An Old Friend...

Dear Ex-Best Friend

I've had this on my chest for almost 3 years. Everytime I try to forget you, I can't. It's too hard to give up the one person who I thought actually gave a shit. So why do I keep going back to remembering you always being there for me? You treated me like shit. Whenever it was just me and you, you always cared. You were always good to me and I actually really considered you almost like family. But then you changed. Something changed in you after you ran way for the first time. You weren't my best friend anymore. Then you came back with a new boyfriend. I didn't care because I'm not the type that looks for attention. But I was the type that needed a friend to always be there. And the times I needed one, you were no where to be found and it hurt a whole lot to realize that I was alone in the world and that even the one person I considered to be my other half wasn't anywhere to be found. How could you just leave me like that? After awhile everytime I did see you, it was never just me and you anymore. You always brought around whatever boyfriend you were dating at the time and I just couldn't deal with that anymore. Whenever someone else was around you turned into a whole different person. Why did you have to change? I liked you just the way you were. Do you realize how hard it was for me to grip the fact that I was losing yet another person in my life? After my parents had gotten into huge fight and divorced, you had been there for me. My dad had been my everything and then I had to get used to the fact that he wouldn't be around anymore. I had lost one person in my life...and then I had to deal with losing you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate that you thought other people were more important than I was. I had been there first! I was always there for you when you needed me to be. I was always there when you wanted to hang out. Why couldn't you do the same for me? I feel like through your mind I wasn't going anywhere. That no matter how much you hurt me, everything was always okay in your eyes. I admit, I played it off as though everything was. But you were suppose to be my best friend..couldn't you see that everything wasn't? In order for me to stop having hope in you changing, I had to stop talking to you and let go. But a real friend wouldn't have let me go, they would've fought for a good thing to fucking last! All you cared about was your fucking boyfriend...so I stopped and so did you. We don't talk anymore and I pretend I don't give a shit that your out of my life for good. But deep down I can't pretend that a day goes by that I don't miss you. There I said, I miss being friends with you because you were the only one that actually understood me. It's too late now. Even though I do miss you, I don't want to talk things over. I don't want to go back to the way things used be with you anymore. I want nothing to do with you. I have nothing but anger towards you now. I can't promise that if we ever cross paths one day I would stop and say hello, because you hurt me too much for you to ever be worth my time. I don't think you understand how bad you really did hurt me. I came to the point were I lost all hope in anyone ever really caring about me and being there for me when I need someone. I hope you have a good life, because all I'm trying to do is live my mine.

                                                                                                                       Love
                                                                                                                          A Hurt Friend

Fairytales aren't meant for Reality..

Here we go...

I got that feeling again today. I felt really low and sad and just flat out lonely. The worst part was, I really had no one to talk to today. Absoulutely no one. I mean I try really hard to get out of these funks and keep my mind occupied with different things, but no matter how hard I try, even just for a second I remember how lonely I really am. It's sad. I feel sad. It's been an okay week. I haven't felt shitty like this in awhile. I wish there was a solid answer on how to be happy. I hate being home for this long because it always happens. I always get really depressed and just wish I wasn't here anymore. I didn't even leave my room to do anything...well I mean I took a shower and shit like that but thats about it. It sucks cause all I really do is sit and think...ALOT and then my thoughts start to get really sad and I basically recap my life and realize that it isn't really all that great. I don't really know what I want to do after college. No boyfriend. I always feel ugly and have no self-confidence what-so-ever. I end up feeling like I have nothing going for me at all. I sometimes wonder..where exactly am I going with my life? Do I really think I'm going somewhere? I wish I could just get a glimpse of my future just to see where I will end up. Will I be a powerful business woman with tremendous amount of money? Or am I going to be a struggling woman just getting by everyday living paycheck to paycheck? I don't want that. Not only will I be living a shitty life, but the disappoiment that I bring upon my parents, especially my Dad, will suck. Another thing that bothers me is that what if I die single and unmarried, childless and just so depressed and miserable. I really don't want that. I want a family, I want someone to love me. I want to find love, unconditional, can't live without,crazy about you love. I would rather be struggling and madly in love with my husband than be rich as fucking shit and barely talk to my husband and have him be sneaking around on me. I envy families like that. Where everything seems perfect. The parents are in love and they have beautiful children and the parents actually care about their children. I want my family to be like that so bad. Sorry, I know I just jumped from one subject to another, but whatever you guys will have to get use to it.

I just wish I could fix everything in my life. With just  wave of a wand or whatever shit makes wishes and miracles happen, and *poof* my life would be everything I'd want it to be. Unfortunately life isn't as easy a wave of  wand. What I really need to do is stop thinking so much. I have way too much time on my hands and thats all I find myself doing. I need my friends now. I need to be away from home and back at school where I can keep busy and not worry too much about my pathetic life. It won't be long before I can be happy again...

Really....

6 days left.

I'll just tell you about my day. So today I went over my good friend Sam's house. I havent seen her in awhile so it was a lot of fun with our other friend whose name happens to be Sam as well. We hung out with her family and played games, it was actually really nice catching up and what not. We made a billon sugar cookies so I got to take some home. Heres where things went down hill. I made this huge gingerbread mand sugar cookie right and I had three other cookies in the bag. I was actually saving the big one for my friends, ya know to be nice. I didn't want any of them so I thought it would be a nice gesture. Well my mother got to them and I told her not to take the big one because I really wanted to save it for them Well she gets PISSED and is like blah blah blah, you can't even let me take one cookie...THERES THREE OTHER ONES blah blah that I'm selfish and that I don't appreciate anything blah blah...all this BS about life..because I didn't give her ONE COOKIE! Like really, you want to pick a fight over a cookie..like PISS OFF...I CANNOT WAIT TO LEAVE...seriously like she always is like this, she always likes to yell and pick fights..I'm telling you guys one day I'm gonna be gone..long gone and I'm not loooking back not once. I'm not saying this out of anger or fustration. I've been saying this for AWHILE...when I leave this house for good, I'm not looking back once because I need to move on with my life. I don't need nonsense this to stress me out and make me mad. I don't need to be angry. I'm not an angry person, but she brings it out on me and I just want to punch something. I'm leaving saturday...I CANNOT WAIT! good ole frankie p never looked any better...

90s Babies

Sorry it's been awhile! So me and my mom were watching the news and one of the stories was about something..lol I don't remember exactly what but I thought they said payphones and I started to have a full blown conversation with mum about how payphones don't exsist. I don't think I've seen a pay phone since the 8th grade, besides at the library but thats it. Are they still around? Do people still use them? I don't know, someone please give me solid proof that a pay phone that is in full service still exsist because as of right now I think they were all ripped out of the ground and thrown out because cell phones and cool gadgets replaced them. And do people still have dial up? Someone really needs to tell me if these things still exsist because our world is changing day by day right before our eyes and no one is even noticing this fast pace society and what it has become. Remember beenie babies? And the little trolls with different colored hairs? What were they called? I don't remember, and N 64! Yess I still have mine that works and now I actually might play it on it sooon, even better bring it up to school with me! I did last year but we didn't play it much...I'm gonna bring it up, I've decided=] And how sketchers were actually cool and now they really look stupid, it makes me want to punch the person wearing them right in the mouth. What are they, "shape ups"? Really, did you actually walk into a store and say "Wow those sneakers look really cute, can I try them on?" Even better, do we all remember what a cd was? Like I'm surprised how much things have changed. Don't get me wrong I LOVE changes and it's great how much things have developed, but what happen to my generations childhood, I feel like we have nothing left of it. Rugrats came on the other day and I almost died. All week long I've been watching Rugrats, Ren and Stimpy, Flinstones, The Jetsons, Topcat all those old shows. On Christmas they gave Hey Arnold the movie, you would imagine how I felt. I almost died. But looking at it now, they were 9 years old and were going everywhere!!! Like I'm 19 and can't go anywhere, like WTF? I'm now just waiting for the beloved Doug and I'll be all set. And Catdog! Theres just so many shows that I loved that can never come back anymore=[
Well thats my rant, it's been on my mind all day. Craiglist Killers on at 9 so, I'm going to watch it, hopefully it doesn't suck!=p
saskia-

p.s The Wild Thornberries and Rocko's Modern Life, Rocket Power and All That!!