Fairytales aren't meant for Reality..

Here we go...

I got that feeling again today. I felt really low and sad and just flat out lonely. The worst part was, I really had no one to talk to today. Absoulutely no one. I mean I try really hard to get out of these funks and keep my mind occupied with different things, but no matter how hard I try, even just for a second I remember how lonely I really am. It's sad. I feel sad. It's been an okay week. I haven't felt shitty like this in awhile. I wish there was a solid answer on how to be happy. I hate being home for this long because it always happens. I always get really depressed and just wish I wasn't here anymore. I didn't even leave my room to do anything...well I mean I took a shower and shit like that but thats about it. It sucks cause all I really do is sit and think...ALOT and then my thoughts start to get really sad and I basically recap my life and realize that it isn't really all that great. I don't really know what I want to do after college. No boyfriend. I always feel ugly and have no self-confidence what-so-ever. I end up feeling like I have nothing going for me at all. I sometimes wonder..where exactly am I going with my life? Do I really think I'm going somewhere? I wish I could just get a glimpse of my future just to see where I will end up. Will I be a powerful business woman with tremendous amount of money? Or am I going to be a struggling woman just getting by everyday living paycheck to paycheck? I don't want that. Not only will I be living a shitty life, but the disappoiment that I bring upon my parents, especially my Dad, will suck. Another thing that bothers me is that what if I die single and unmarried, childless and just so depressed and miserable. I really don't want that. I want a family, I want someone to love me. I want to find love, unconditional, can't live without,crazy about you love. I would rather be struggling and madly in love with my husband than be rich as fucking shit and barely talk to my husband and have him be sneaking around on me. I envy families like that. Where everything seems perfect. The parents are in love and they have beautiful children and the parents actually care about their children. I want my family to be like that so bad. Sorry, I know I just jumped from one subject to another, but whatever you guys will have to get use to it.

I just wish I could fix everything in my life. With just  wave of a wand or whatever shit makes wishes and miracles happen, and *poof* my life would be everything I'd want it to be. Unfortunately life isn't as easy a wave of  wand. What I really need to do is stop thinking so much. I have way too much time on my hands and thats all I find myself doing. I need my friends now. I need to be away from home and back at school where I can keep busy and not worry too much about my pathetic life. It won't be long before I can be happy again...