Wishes do come true...sometimes

So my birthday turned out great!! I mean 3 of my friends ditched which was pretty lame but whatever my rugger friends Kim and Lauren took me to Boston for food and then we went to hookah bar which was sick! I highly recommend going it was so chill and it tasted real good! I loved it...the people were nice and the atmosphere was very chill. It was a good way to spend my birthday...plus my other friends feel bad for missing out so I get to do birthday dinner/night twice more :) yes so all that I said before scratch that I feel a lot better now about being 20...I am living my life the way I want to! And better news, remember my post awhile back on 90s shows and how they should come back. Well someone was listening cause they are all back!! All that, Doug, kenan and kel, and so much more all back on teen nick!!! Thank you nick cannon for being down with our generation! Check out the 90s are all that midnights on teen nick!!!  So happy! Okay gotta go!!!  Oh and by the way were trying to bring the word groovy back! Let's see if it catches on :)
Bye!

Birthday part 1...

It's my birthday! I'm now officially a grown up...holy shit. My parents told me I'm getting old. Damn if I'm old then their ancient. It's weird because each birthday I've had I never felt any different but this one, I  actually feel old. 20. Well one more year till I'm 21. That'll be the shit. But I have this feeling that now I'm older I haven't fulfilled my life. I haven't spent my time the way I wanted to. Like these past years have been a waste of time. Idk its just weird. I don't feel happy at all. I feel really sad actually. I'll have to get back to you at the end of the day.
To be continued...

Finally Being Happy For Me...

<p>Ello everyone! <br>
I was trying to sound British but its kinda hard to when your reading so I guess that was kinda pointless. So update on my life. I don't know if i told you guys but I got laid off from that job I had..it sucked. I spent weeks looking for a new one. Well my search is finally over! I got my old job back from last summer! So happy and I'm getting paid what I made at my old job which was 10/hr. WINNING! I'm pumped I start on Friday. I need at least some money to go back to school with! And some other great news. Remember how I told you guys I was taking this summer to find and love me first before I can open my heart up to anyone else. Well its paying off. I started doing the insanity dvds with my good friend Kim. We've been doing this  everyday for a week and a half and I'm starting to see results :) were doing the 60 day challenge to get sweet and sexy shirts at the end of it! I'm ready to go back to school looking good :) I would love support for you guys! I need as much as possible I'm determined to get all this weight down. I'm not happy or comfortable in my own skin and I want to know what it feels like to be...happy. just thinking about it puts a smile on my face. I want my smiles to finally mean something. I do honestly feel that if I lose this weight life will be better for me. I'm tired of the comments from family you haven't seen in a while. I'm tired of being the invisible friend amongst pretty ones. Im tired of feeling like fat chopped liver or that fat girl in the crowd. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm doing this for me. No one else but me...
Oh another update so your guys remember how I told you about this girl who started going out with a boy I told her I liked. Well I finally told her how I felt and was upset that she did it. I told her it didn't  matter anymore because they were together and I was happy that they were happy. I just wanted her to be aware that I had been hurt by her actions...she felt like shit. I was a little happy inside. A week later they broke up...I dont want to feel responsible for their breakup...but I kinda do..she told me it was because she wasn't ready for the relationship he wanted which was way too intense. Fair enough I guess. But he's all over her shit. I'm over him. It's time for me to move one. Maybe with this new life and new body the guys will finally come to me like they do with other pretty girls. It's  new semester coming up...I'm ready to make a change.
I'll keep you guys post and maybe pictures!

Signing off
- a girl finally deserving to be happy

Bumming real hard now...

Hey everyone! It's been too long. I've been trying to get on here and update you guys on my life but I haven't had the energy to. I haven't had the energy to do much these days. Before I get into all that I FINALLY got a new phone and I'm in love with it! It's the HTC evo. Advice: if you want a smartphone..fuck the blackberry okay...this phone is where its at. Android powered phones are amazing! So much to do and SO many apps lol. So yea get it. Secondly..I got a job and then I got laid off from that job. It sucked...business was slow so they laid off 8 people. So now I'm jobless and it blows. Luckily I've had interviews and I have one tomorrow..I'm aiming for two jobs so I can get a car this summer. Let's hope it all works out. I'm nervous. So now here's the issue. I'm super bummed out and I don't know why. I feel real low and I feel like everyone is ignoring me. Honestly I hate this slump I'm in cause its so hard to get out of. I feel hated. Honestly I want to cry. Then when I get like this...all these other thoughts get into my head and I get even more depressed. Movies don't help cause you know bullshit like that don't happen in the real world..thanks movies for crushing all dreams. Sometimes I don't understand what's out there for me. I just wanna crawl in a hole and die. I don't want to do anything but sit in my room. I don't know what to do anymore...

Not much...besides the BRUINS!

Today was my first day of work. It was SO chill. My supervisor is insanely cool its amazing. She basically let's you do whatever as long as your doing your work. It's weird because it's  different from what I'm use to. I worked in bigger cafes and it  was crazy all the time but because this is a business building it's a bit smaller. It was SO slow today. I did nothing and everything is wicked easy, it won't take me long to learn the ropes. It helps that they just started because this place just opened the other day because they switched companies. I can get use to this real quick:) So I WAS having a good day till I came home and my mother ruined it with her bitchy self, as usual.

I need to get out of this house. Yes I'm tired of it already. I'm bored as fuck and theres nothing to do. I get to see my friends tomorrow which is going to be really exciting and really fun. Can't wait! But heres the problem, I have to see bitch and her new boyfriend who really should have been mine. I might vomit. Nothing a drink or two can't handle and then I won't even pay them any mind. I hate getting hurt and screwed over at the same time.

So I need luck. My friend is going to talk to her boss at Saus tomorrow to get me a job. Hopefully they take me because then I won't have to work in Lowell. I really want to work there and work with my good friend. It would be a sick summer of just working. Right my life is soooooo excited..NAHT. I know but it'll all be worth it in the end. AND hope that I get that Sunday school job too! I'd be so happy if I could do all of them. WISH ME LUCK. Well I don't have much thought today, I'm kinda in a pissy mood right now.

Before I go I would like to thank summer-claire for giving me an award for stylish blogger!:)


I've never gotten an award before..this is my first! YAY! SOOO go check her out at http://summerdreamsx.blogspot.com/ ...her blog is actually pretty good...haha ;) thanks girl!

OH and by the way BRUINS ARE ON TONIGHT! WOOOOH LETS GOOOOOO! :)

until next time
-saskia

It's Time To Love ME

Okay guys I've got some fabulous news! I got a job! YAY! I had an interview yesterday with this place called Sebastian's. It's a cafe, I will be doing line cook and cashier. I start next Monday. It's a Monday-Friday 9-3 shifts everyday no weekends. perfect! That leaves me time to find a job I can work nights and weekends. It gets better! I have an interview next Tuesday at this place called Lowell Beer Works. I had applied for the Hostess position. Hopefully I get that job and can work nights and weekends. If  not that place my friend Lauren works at the place called Saus in Boston in Fanuiel Hall which would be sick cause I love Lauren she's soo funny and on my rugby team. So basically I'm in for a quite a summer;) lets keep our fingers crossed for me! Plus it's beautiful out!

Okay so heres the issue. One of my teammates is a bit of a bitch right now. She is a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. So remember the boy I told you guys I may or may not have feelings for? Well can't do jack shit about that now because she just dove in and stole him from me. It gets better. SHE KNEW I HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM. Yup, backstabbing bitch. She knew and still did it and I'm very resentful towards her right now. Like you just don't do that. She the type of girl that only cares about her and her own selfish needs and everyone else can fend for themselves. She already screwed over 3 BEST FRIENDS by fucking all of them. She's a fucked up person. I'm just waiting for this relationship to FAIL MISERABLY. And guess whose gonna end up fucking it up, HER. Yup I called it. What sucks even more is that I think I still kind of like him and it hurts like hell to try and get over it. I've learned that in life your heart chooses who you like and don't like and who you love. You can't help it, it's just how it's gotta be. I've decided to take a whole new outlook on life cause I'm just SO TIRED of getting my heart ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I'm just gonna love me. It's time that I start loving myself and that's it. If it's all about me then I won't get hurt. It may sound a little selfish yes but I've been through way too much and have cared way too much about others and haven't really gotten that same respect back. Someone's gotta do it and if I can find someone to love me than I'm just gonna love myself. That's my easy way out of a broken heart. I've come to terms with all of that now.

So my plans for the rest of the week? Tomorrow I have to go in and fill out paper work for this job and stuff. Saturday is my little sister's dance recital and then I'm leaving to NH for my friends birthday party which is going to be insane. Basically it's going to be a mini reunion  of all my friends:) I'm pretty excited. Well everyone have a fabulous Wed!!
till next time
-Saskia

My Focus

Wah! It's been forever I know and I'm extremely sorry! I'm home for the summer, so now I have plenty of time to talk about my pointless life. So I got home last Saturday. I stayed for senior week, which was AMAZING. It was really fun just being with the seniors with their last few days at good ole frankie p! It was really chill, for once, no drama of underclassmen, you can do whatever you want and no one gave a shit. And everyone was shitfaced the entire time. Haha, every night I was gone...bad but it was a good time. Now I'm taking a break because by Saturday my tummy hurt, A LOT hah. But I'm going back up next Saturday for my good friend Sam's birthday. It should be fun. I need a break from this house already! By the way, I'm on that 3.0 status for my GPA, HELL YA! I worked my ass off this semester for that, and I'll be damned if I let myself fuck that up. Hell no! Everyone was actually really surprised that I got that. What the hell man!? I'm not stupid! I'm actually quite intelligent and vivid when I WANT to be. But no one looks past party girl Saskia Joseph. I don't even party that much. Okay well that's a lie. But so does everyone else! When I'm out the same people are out too! So they can piss off if they think I'm a fucking dunce. You gotta do what it takes to make it in life, and I did it, the hard way too not the easy way. I studied, I did all my papers, I did all my power-points,  EVERYTHING. Suck it.

So my goals for the summer: GET A JOB! Do you know how hard it is to actually find one?? REAL HARD. But I NEED one. It's crucial to my goals. And I'm tired of working in the food industry, this is how I get FAT. Which leads into my next goal: LOSE WEIGHT.  I need to so bad. And this time, It's legit. I want to lose weight for myself, so I can feel good about who I am, and when I look in the mirror, it won't be disgust, it'll be like "Damn whose that chick?" I want to look in the mirror and smile at the person looking back. "Happiness: the ability to look in the mirror and like the person looking back..." I want that. And then comes everything that comes with losing weight, being noticed and maybe someone will actually be interested in me. I know looks aren't everything, but they really are. In this cut throat society looks are EVERYTHING. As much as I don't want to believe and you don't want to believe, deep down, you know it really is. Well I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try and lose as much weight as possible. If anyone has ANY TIPS, please do share because anything helps:) I'll also keep this blog as a diary of my progress as well as my life, so updating will be must! More of ME YAY!:)
My next goal: GET A CAR...which well, getting a job needs to come first, I've applied at over 20 places and nowhere has gotten back. FML. I'm going to the mall on Monday to find any openings, wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed for me!
So yeah, no where in there does it say enjoy my summer, because I know when I do find a job, I will be selling my soul to that place. Yup...no biggie. Either way thats what the school year is for. It's okay. I'm over it.

So those are my goals and where my priorities are right now. Lets hope for the best. And OF COURSE I will DEF keep everyone updated. This time is for real.
Until next time:)
-Saskia

Going Green!

Okay. So really quick! I was looking on Jodi's blog and she talks about this real cool way of basically helping the enviorment. Lets face it, we suck at saving this world. Basically the link can help your blog go green! Sweet right!?! So if you put the badge of you blog and write about, then you get a tree planted for you! What!? thats awesome to even think about, someone planting a tree for me because of this simple task...too bad life isn't this easy! Well check it out=]
 http://www.kaufda.de/umwelt/carbon-neutral/how-you-can-join/

SPRING WEEKEND=)

Okay..it's been awhile I'm sorrrrrrrrry=[ I've been busy with schoolwork and rugby and stressing about my life. But for this weekened thats all done with it..I got all my work done for monday yesterday and guess what this weekend is!? SPRING WEEKEND. For those of you that don't what this weekend means, basically its the LAST BIG hurraaaaah! Yessss last one for the year..so what do we do...get drunk all weekend and do around the world and hang out with all the seniors. I've actually had the honor of being real close with them and honestly they have given me so much and I'm going to miss them terribly. It's going to be different. I will give you a full background of the seniors and how much they mean to me in a later post. As of now..it's 1pm I have class at 2pm....I've already made myself drink # 1 and will be playing drinking games in class..yeaah this will be fun=] I'll give you updates soon!

-Saskia

True Love...?

Love. What is love exactly? Everyone longs to hear those words "I love you" and not from their parents or friends but from someone you care alot about that you want in your life forever. But heres the thing. When it's said, does it really mean anything?

    I have this friend. Her freshman year her and this boy who is now graduated had a relationship. They went out for three years and it was for sure they would be together forever. I was always asking her when the wedding was and everything. That's how serious this was. And I wasn't the only one who thought it, we all did! Well about a couple weeks ago I find out they have broken up and thought it was just another phase they were going through. So this past weekend I asked her about it and I she says, he hates me were done for good and she walks away. I look at my friend with confused looks on both our faces. So we find her the next day and sit down with her and ask her what is going on. Well turns out a year ago he had cheated on her with another one of  our friends who also graduated and never told her. So basically we were all fooled to believe that they were meant for each other. Well while he's gone, she ended up cheating on him recently but she told him the day after and it took him a year to tell her that he cheated on her with the other chick. Well all hell breaks loose, he calls her all these names and they break up and are done. What sucks even more is that he's one of our friends as well. So I mean I understand I'm not forced to choose sides, but it still sucks because both parties fucked up.

 So heres where my questions comes in. Does love even exsist? And if it does, is it for real? Seeing this couple I had hope. Like YES! Love is real and everyone can find it and true love is still somewhere out there. But then hearing all this it's like, there really is no such thing. That all relationships are based on lies and secrets. Every relationship I've witnessed, something always happens and gets fucked up. Which leaves me with no hope what so ever. So what's your opinion on this. Is true love impossible?

Lovers & Friends

     I've never been one to care for people too much. I did some thinking and of course some creeping and I realize that I have met a lot of people within these 20 years I've been around. I don't want to sound concieted or self-centered, cause we all know I'm the last person that should get a big head, but people do know me. Even through mutual friends, I'm known. It's funny because people I considered close, well their gone. I'm not clingy, I don't look for drama with people, honestly I keep to myself...a lot. So my question is why do people fade away in life? I was doing some creeping on facebook and fell upon so many people I was good friends with and then all of sudden it just stopped. One pattern in them is that boyfriends always came first. I mean ALWAYS. Which is always pretty fucked up. Maybe I just didn't know how to pick them...I honestly couldn't tell you. But one thing I know is that it was never my fault. I can tell you straight up that if I were the problem I would admit it and be done with my life. I can admit fault...some people can't. I was never the type of person to get attached to quickly, but I was always the one that opened up too quickly but never to scare people away, which made it easier for my heart to get broken by a "friend". And I'll admit I set myself up for hurt sometimes. I guess I just trust in people too easily. There are somedays where I'll sit and think about the times I use to have with friends. Do I wish I could go back and change things? Yes. If I had one more chance to make right with some people would I do it? Maybe. Do I regret some of my friendships? Always. Why? Because the ones that I regret are the ones that hurt the most to lose. I think it was the fact that I knew I was losing them  that made it even harder. That's thing about me, when I make friends with someone, I can tell whether it's going to last or not. But yet I still open up each time. I hate myself for being so ignorant. And what sucks the most, those people never even bother saying Hi once in awhile. Well you know what I say...Fuck them. One day they will realize they lost a good thing and it'll be too late for them to "patch" things up again. Because I will look the other way and pretend they never exsisted, just like they did to me.

     Another thing I've been thinking about. Okay so this weekend right, I went away. I went to this party with friends and had a good time. I danced blah blah and all that bullshit. Well heres the thing...when it came to boys, I wasn't interested...I'm not a lesbian, I'll explain what I mean. It's like when I talk to a dude, I have no desire to hook up with them, nor do I have that same desire for a girl. Most of the time I just pay attention to me and that's all I care about.Sometimes I feel like I'm asexaul because I don't go guy or girl crazy. But then I wonder if I ever will get into a relationship because I don't try...at all. But then I bitch about life and how I can never get a guy. Well why do I bitch when shit goes both ways you know. In order for me to start a love life, I need to try and talk to a guy and keep his interest. But see heres the thing, I'm always scared I'm gonna say something stupid and usually thats what holds me back from life...EACH TIME. I get nervous alot. But honestly I really do need to grow some balls. And the worst part is I'm in this fantasy world where I keep thinking the guy that I like will one day just come up to me and tell me it's me he's wanted all along...well I should probably get it through my head now that it's never gonna happen and I need to stop waiting for something that's never gonna come true. It's called me facing reality. Shit's never gonna work out the way I want it to, so I need to stop dreaming.NOW. But here's the problem, What do I do exactly? I feel like can't handle a relationship but I kind of want someone around you know...but I don't talk lol and even if I started to I wouldn't know what to say and my self-esteem doesn't really help. So what do I do with my life now? Wait around for prince-charming? Well when he comes along I probably won't realize it because I'm way too shy to say anything so we would never have a conversation, so basically I'm doomed for dinner for 1 forever. I need serious help.

Leave Me Alone

Oh my goodness its been way tooo long and I apologize, being at school and blogging is really difficult because I'm just so busy all the time and I want to take the time to tell you guys every aspect of my life and just can't because I wouldn't have the time=/ FAIL. So for that I'm sorry everyone. Well the last couple of weeks have been good. I mean it's just me in a good mood so nothing to really bitch or tell. But today Im feeling pretty shitty. It all started last night, I just didnt want to do anything. I wanted to be left alone and it was kinda good cause I stay in my room with my roommate and we watched Teen Mom....(I hate that show but I LOVE to shit on it) and so thats what I did. I didn't leave my room for anything, not to talk to anyone not to wander around, I legit layed in my bed and chiillaxed. It was needed and then I realized I need more days like that.  And the feeling I have right now... I don't want to talk to anyone. I literally just want to be left alone. It won't happen though cause everyones always up my ass like theres no tommorow. GO AWAY EVERYONE! Hahah like honestly thats how I feel right now. And in about an hour I have rugby practice....yay me...NAHT. AND on top of my shitty moood..were getting a snow/ice storm on Friday. LIKE REALLY! It's soooo nice out today, lke extremely nice out and now it's gotta be ruined  by more snow....just as all the snow around campus was clearing off. Honestly, I hope it doesn't happen. I mean were guaranteed no school, but still dude! UGH. Whatever we'll see what happens. I'm gonna chill for a while till practice now. I'll talk to ya'll later=]

-Saskia

Fashion Show

Okay quick update, I'm sorry, its been chaotic! I promise as soon as I get a chance to myself I will tell you guys everything thats been happening in my life!

But this is kind of a big deal. Tonight we had a Fashion show at my school for my organization called Sistuhs...its a good time. We got clothes from places like JCPenny, Fashion Bug, Maurice's and Miranda's Boutique. They were all fabulous clothes! All donations went to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It went really well, I had fun and everybody that came had fun and they loved it and all that jazz. When pictures go up I'll post them no worries=] but yes..that's legit a REAL QUICK update on my life. I'll go into details next time. I've been stressed and exhausted. Tommorow I have Relay for Life which is a walk for cancer we do at my school every year for 8pm to 8am and what we do is we walk laps all night till morning around our bubble which is our gym ( its all real complicated to understand right now, but I promise I'll go in depth about out another time) and we raise money for cancer. Were up to $4,000 now which is alot better than last year where at this point we had $1500. Yes PROGRESS. So yesss I won't be back till Saturday morning which by then I will be passed out, so I'll tell you guys everything hopefully Sunday. Deuces=]

-saskia

St Patrick's Day

Well hello everyone! I'm sorry I haven't been around in awhile, I just haven't had the time! But I'm back and have some stories for you guys abot my St Patty's Day.

    So yesterday I went into Boston for St Patty's Day. This is my first time spending st patty's in there so it was an adventure. I went in with my good friend Sam who I have known since H.S. So we went in it was a beautiful day out and there were sooo many people there. We were on our way to Fanuiel Hall to meet up with two friends from frankie p Ali and Ari. On our we somehow got distracted by this one alley way with a bunch of bars and people. So we walked by and in one of the bar windows I happened to see someone I knew. I was like "I KNOW HIM!" so me being me I went into the window and started calling out names. Well no one heard me because they were all chanting and screaming so I look like a complete ass just calling at the window. Finally my friend May saw me and started to scream and then thats when the group finally turned around and saw me and they all proceeded to scream. They were like "come on in here" and I was I said I couldn't because I wasn't 21, they were like "who cares just climb through the window" and I obviously couldn't because the bouncer was standing a feet away from me. So May came out and gave me a huge hug and we talked for a little bit and then she went bak in a snuck me beer through the window, it was green hahaha. So me and Sam made our way to Fanuiel Hall and talked to some people and stopped at one of the carts and bought some beads and I got a shamrock headband the had the shamrock anntenaes and all. So we were standing in front of Dick's waiting for Ali and Ari and we saw more of my friends from good ole frankie p and we all conversed and all and they left just as the two were coming. So we went for lunch at bertuccis and then walked around for a while and then they left us for the bars. Sam and I spent hours wandering around because unfortunately were not 21 yet so we can't go have fun in the bars which sucked. I was envious of all the people that were in there. As we walked around some guys sitting outside eating called me and over to take a picture. Well I thought he wanted me to take a picture for him but turned out he wanted us to take a picture with him! I was like aright and we got 2 nice pictures...on their cameras. We forgot to pull out ours. So we walked some more took more pictures and then we wanted to look for the alley that we had first found the bars at. As we were wandering around not knowing where the fuck we were going we ended finding more frankie p people! I know crazy right, were all just a bunch of drunken messes. So it was Jeffy, Tim and Meghan and their problem was that Meg wasn't 21 yet so they also couldn't go anywhere so we chilled with them, while we were about to leave there was this guy that was drunk and in a wheelchair. So heres what happened. An asian guy from McDonald's came out changing the trashcans and all of a sudden the guy in the wheelchair starts yelling at him saying that he was a bad man and that he was rascist and that he was from Vietnam and they did bad things to people there. He continued to bash this guy and say all this bullshit and I was in shock. The things he said to this poor man was fucked up. Then the wheelchaired homeless guy dropped his change and the people around him helped him pick it up...but picked it up for themselves they just pocketed his change. I guess it's best because he was just gonna buy more booze with it. So we walked and found this place called Tex Mex where Jeffy and Tim could drink and the rest of us were allowed in. We spent awhile there and had a really good time. So around 12pm we decide to peace out. Sam stayed with her two friends in Boston and I left with Jeffy Meg and Tim. Tim left to take the Red Line (mind you he is shitfaced) and I went with Jeffy and Meg so they could drive me to my dad's place. So as were in the car, Jeffy texts Tim to make sure he was okay. The text message he gets back says this "I'm home safe in bed...without saskia=/" AWKWARD! Like really?!?!? First off the dudes in Boston hit on you like theres no tommorow so me and sam got that all day and really didn't know what to do. And now Tim?!?! Well Jeffy was like "I don't think I was suppose to read that outloud", but then he proceeds to show me the text. yup fml. My life is super awkward. But overall I had a lot of fun yesterday. Hopefully next year we won't have a problem. So to my fellow Irish men and women thank you for having a day for us to celebrate to=]
p.s. I forgot to mention that we got our picure taken from this guy who works at this brewery in New York! heres the link to the website
http://festpics.com/p643628044/h5555657#h5555657
CHECK IT OUT=]

-saskia

No More Drama...

Sorry everyone! I know it's been awhile, I've been extremely busy and what not. So it's almost 2am, and why am I still up you ask? Well let me explain why I'm still up. I am doing laundry and I started around 11pm hoping to be done by 12:30pm so I could go to bed. Well with 10 mins left on the washer it stopped with water in it and everything. So I started it back up and left to go do my stuff. I come back down 10 mins later and it's still stopped on 10 mins, so I'm like fuck it, I take my soaking wet clothes out and just threw them in the dryer. That was an hour ago. I went down to check what's going on and they are still not dry! I'm super annoyed right now. Luckily I only have one class tommorow, but still COMON!

Well it's been kind of  a shitty day. But first let me start off with giving you updates. The boy whose like my good friend and I think I kind of sorta like him but then changed my mind. Well, the other day he was really, really upset because his good friend commited suicide. This is the second friend in one month which is really really sad. So we only got to talk briefly but he was in bad conditions. When he's in a bad mood you can tell, he doesn't talk to anyone and you KNOW when to back off. So I found him later on that day and we talked for a little bit. He told me what happened and he told me he was thinking of just going home for the rest of the semester. Well as much as I love the kid, I told him straight up that it was a bad idea. It's not what he wanted to hear, but he was going to hear it eventually. So then, I go, you can't leave your like my "big brother". Bam that's when everything shifted and I don't know, it's wierd. As soon as I said it, I immediately regretted it because he was more than a "big brother" to me. I'm not sure what it is, but something is def wierd. I'll have to let you know what happens with that after break.

Spring Break is next week. THANK GAWD! Honestly, I think were all just so close that we are so sick of each other. I need to get away from everyone asap. And there's SO MUCH DRAMA going on. I don't need this shit you know. It's little things that just escalade that are uncalled for. A break is well needed, thats all I'm saying. Then when we get back, everything will cool down and we can just worry about Beast of the EAST and SPRING WEEKEND=D YAY! I'll explain both another time don't worry. So yes, that's my life in a nutshell. I don't feel like getting into the drama that's going on because it's so stupid and so much that it really isn't worth it.

Until next time!
-Saskia

Raining Men?

So real quick before I go to class, which is at 2pm so not that quick but briefly I guess. Yesterday I was with my friends and we are planning this fashion show for our school. I'm not much of a model by the way but whatever I'll help them out. Anyways I was with my friend in the car and she's older than me and I look to her for advice sometimes. She knows about my low-self esteem  and stuff and she basically says it's all in my head because well she consideres me her twin cause we look alike. ANYWAYS we were in the car and we were listening to Rihanna's new song "Raining Men" and this is how the conversation went:

Me: "She needs to stop living in this fantasy world "
Voneke: (laughs)
Me: "She's lying, it's never raining men because I don't see any."
Voneke: 'You could easily get a guy if you wanted to you know"
Me: "WHAT?!? Me?"
Voneke: "Yes, we'll talk later about it but you could easily get one."

Well we never had the time to talk later but I was honestly shocked by what she said because I know for a fact I can't so why is she telling me otherwise? I just don't understand how she could tell me this, why can't Isee what she sees? It makes me a little fustrated because I would love to know what she's going to say but I just can't figure it out myself. If it's so easy than why am I still single and looking?! I mean okay maybe I'm not looking HARD ENOUGH but damn people I'm still looking. Maybe I should stop being so hung up on one guy that probably won't ever want me the same way I want him, I have no idea, but maybe just maybe she could be right. I'd like to think I am a likeable person. I don't know. I don't have the time to get too into it but I will go in to depth another time. Advice anyone?

-Saskia

Happy Birthday...

So crazy weekend! I don't know really where to beginning. Well it was my best friend's birthday weekend and I planned everything out because I needed this to be a good time for her. Last year I had thrown her a surprise party and it was a complete success. So then I was like, what can top it off this year? Well, let me just start from the beginning.

Friday was this event at my school they have every year called Up All Night were all the clubs get together and set up booths to raise money for their organization. I was in it for rugby. We sold hot dogs because well on a Friday night lets face it everyone is gonna be drunk so they get hungry. We made over $135 just by selling those which is awesome for us. The boys team did wax a rugger or pie a rugger and well that pretty simple to understand, it was a good time! So that lasted till 2am whatever. Saturday was even bigger. See I love my friend this much...I wanted to throw her a party down in senior housing and of course that was no problem to find but our issue was getting speakers. I went out and bought a $150 dollar stereo system just for her! I'm crazy but it's a pretty sweet stereo system too. It's SOOOO LOUD I'm in love. So now on weekends when I'm getting ready I can BLAST my music over everyones music I'm sooooo pumped. Anyways, I did that and we had the party that night, we all looked fabulous and what not and the party was a huge success, all that matter was that she was happy. I got captains and coke spilt over my dress which mind you was an off set white I WAS PISSSEDD. I wanted to cry but I didn't. But I was really upset by it, but I didn't let it get to me and clearly no one gave a shit so I got over it, just like I do everything else in my life. So anyways party was a great turnout the place was packed it was fun. So then today Sunday it was her actually birthday and boy did I have surprises for her ALL day=] First off every year she gets and ice cream cake, it's a tradition of hers and she always talks about it. So she's been talking about it all week how she wanted to get one, but comon obviously I wasn't gonna let her buy it herself! So I got it and surprised it with her early in the afternoon. She was super happy about it. Her second surprise was her birthday present. I got her a vibrator from spencers=] hahah she was beyond shocked! So then a few of s went out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse which was BOMB. Were all having a goodtime whatever and then the final suprise of the weekend was taking her to a stripclub. Well me being an idiot forgot my id at school so I wasn't able to get in which really sucked because I planned it all and I didn't even get to see how it was. So one of the girls didn't want to stay so me and her went around and visited different colleges. They had fun without me though so it's all good. I'm over it. I put other people first. In life you have to make sacrifices for the people that you love,and then maybe one day someone will come along and care enough to make the same sacrifices..I'm just waiting for that someday and someone. But she had a good time so that's really all that mattered to me, it was her weekend. She loved it! I'm glad because if it sucked I'd be pissed that I worked so hard for nothing. Successful weekend though I'd have to say.

Me on the other hand, I'm bummed. I don't know why I do it to myself, I always set myself up for hurt. ALWAYS. I don't really know why either because I KNOW better. Theres this kid. He's one of my good friends. Well I use to debate whether or not I had feelings for him or not and I told myself NO. Well in the back of my head I guess I still kept the thought there and it always comes back, which sucks. Well one of my friends had came up this weekend because she's my roommates best friend. She had told me she had feelings for this kid for awhile so I backed off, told her I would help her out and what not. Well she "got to know him" and I don't know something in me kind of sank, way way way deep down to the pit of my stomache, which kind of sucked. But then again I kick myself because I know I'm not suppose to, at all, like it was stupid stupid stupid of me to ever think that anything would ever happen, because were just friends. But then in the car I got really upset because he used to like one of my friends and I don't know, he might still and that really got me down because she's one of those girls that always get attention. So basically, I'm back in a funk and it sucks. It's gonna take a while to get back out of it. It sucks and I hate it but like it mostly my self-esteem dropping to below zero and then so much other shit is added onto it, like how I felt today and what not. I need to focus on something else to keep me from tearing up and thinking too much about my life.

So what has Saskia learned from all this? That shit happens. That somethings work out in life and somethings don't. I also still need to learn that I can't change the way something is. That I must learn to deal no matter how tough it is or will be. And that I shouldn't set my hopes so high up anymore or else it will be a really far fall down for me, making it's easier for me to get to hurt. I must accept the way life is and just hope it gets better for me...

To Settle Down or Not...?

Do you ever have that one person who you just feel everything for. Just that one person who your like
" I can see myself with him." No matter what you hear and what you know it's just like...."I'm willing to wait till your ready to settle down." Even if they don't know it yet, you can just feel as though it may happen. Well that's kind of how I feel about this one guy. We'll call him Frank. See heres the thing about Frank. He came freshman year and we were friends and what not and then I started to like him. So winter break came around and I thought about it and was like you know what, I'm gonna grow some balls and tell him how I feel and whatever happens happens, just as long as we remain friends. Well second semester rolls around and he never came back and I was like "SHIT" honestly, this WOULD only happen to me. As soon as I feel sure about something, it just gets blown up in my face. Well, my good friend became like good friends with him over the summer because they lived near each other. So we all got a little bit closer and it was great. We talked almost the enitre summer. Just as friends though. But it seemed pretty obvious that he was just looking to just fuck around for awhile and live life. Which of course is fine I mean were all still pretty young why get serious? Sometimes I'm always like oh I want a boyfriend but then I look at my friends with their fucked up relationships and I'm just like I'm good doing me like I don't need any drama right now. Anywho, we got back to school and he finally came back and I liked him more and more everytime I talked to him. But of course, were going to be nothing but friends. But honestly I can't help but think that somethings there. Like there is, I don't feel like this about a lot of people but...okay say were with a group of people, whenever he tells a story he only looks at me, like I'm the only one. I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I don't usually get that vibe from alot of guys, especially with my self-esteem but with him it's really different. I don't know! It's SOOOO confusing. But he just one of my good friends and he's just shooting the shit, no talk of a relationship nothing, literally if a girl talks about it he runs away. Which I don't know makes some sense, cause he just a college boy looking to have fun, I get it. I'm not trying to be held down either. But some of me hopes that if he does get ready to settle down, I would be it you know. Me and my wild dreams though, their pretty ridiculous. I shouldn't get my hopes up because I always feel as though I'm nothing special to wait for. But I still keep a little faith, I don't know it may be silly. But theres something there. Or maybe I'm the only one that feels it. I'd hate to be one of those stupid girls who can't tell the difference between a guy whose just being a nice or a guy who actually cares...

Themed Parties?!?

Okay sorry it's been a few days, things are just crazy and what not and whatever. I'm back. So I had a crazy weekend here at good ole frankie p, but it's nothing I can't really explain because you guys will be like who gives a shit. So theres no point. But on the plus side, I'm a host for overnight incoming freshman, so basically they shadow me and stay with me for a night and see what the campus is like. My girl came up yesterday and her name was Angela. I tell you about this one because she was different. I've had 2 different girls already and both were really wierd. Like really really wierd. So she was like a breath of fresh air compared to them. To make things even better she's from my old high school! YES! Crazy right? So she filled me in on EVERYTHING and my High School is completely shit now. Apparently the place smells like weed all the time and everyone coming to school drunk and what not and they are super strict because it's a Catholic school, so we wear uniforms, and I guess everything just changed. I'm so glad I was the last class to actually have it good=] Yay me! But she was cool, she really liked it here, I mean she had a good time so I wouldn't see why not. But yeah we had fun. So she really wants to come here and she was like "I was scared I was gonna get someone that didn't go out or didn't have fun, basically the opposite of me" but lucky for her I wasn't=]

Sooo my best friend Miranda's birthday is this weekend right so I have a few things planned just for  her. I want to throw her a party on Saturday, you know just for the fun of it, and I want it to be themed. Well I had the idea of "Anything But Clothes" but then I started to think about it and it probably won't be a good idea cause what will people wear? So now I'm not really sure what to do! Any idea's for a themes party pleaaaaseee help me! Then Sunday, we have everything planned out! A couple of our closest friends are going to take her to Texas Roadhouse and then surprising her with something very special and wierd/fun. I won't tell you guys either so you'll have to wait=]  Hopefully it all works out...I want this to be special for her, she's my best friend and I think she really deserves it, so I will def keep you guys updated! I have some news but I can't really share it yet because I need to think about it for a little bit.

Story of my life in a nutshell!=]

till next time!
-saskia

Fairy Tales Suck

So I'm still wicked sick, but I won't let that hold me down from writing to you guys!

So let me just start with yesterday. My good guy friend came in a had a great heart to heart with me about life. Literally vented about everything to me and I felt kind of special. Then he made me feel a little good about myself too. We were talking about this dude who was dancing with like a huge chick...(big girls need loving too) and this is how the conversation went.

Him: He was dancing with this fat chick and I was like ew no
Me: ouch what does that make me?
Him: uhm NO NO NO NO NO, if you were ugly or fat I wouldn't have danced with you last weekend, I don't have friends that are ugly, My friends are all good-looking because an ugly person on the outside is an ugly person on the inside.
Me: Awwwww

I know, I know it's not much of a "fairy tale" statement to say, but coming from this boy, it kind of was. He's a good kid. One of my closest friends and I feel like I can talk to him about anything, literally anything...well not everything.... but we'll save that for another day.

You know what really sucks, seeing your friends hook up with your other friends that you've had feelings for before. I'm not really the jealous type,well at least I don't show it because I have to maintain my stance of not giving a shit. But deep down it really does hurt. But I can't do shit about it because well I'm a huge pussy and I'm almost positive no ones interested in what I got to give. I won't get my spirts down though, not now. I'm way too happy right now to care. Well not right this second cause I feel like shit...but you know what I mean.

I'm going to sleep now...I'm super tired and it's been a long asss day. Keep you updated later!=]
-saskia

I Feel Like Dying...Not Literally

So today, I got sick. I have a fever and my body hurts everywhere and I'm coughing up a lung over here like a damn smoker...I don't smoke. I feel like completely shit so this post won't be too long on account I don't have the energy to do so and I have 2 papers to finish....FML honestly! I'll fill you in when I get better.

Till next time!

-Saskia

Words Can Take A Girl Far

So this weekend was okay. It was cold, like really cold! I can't WAIT for the spring to come so the cold will be the least of my worries. But something did happen last night that I think deserves to be told because it put a huge smile on my face.

Last night I went out with my friends and went to senior housing and chilled with them. Were all having a great time mind you and I'm like I need to step outside and get some air. So we go outside and as I'm walking down the steps I see this kid. I see him around and like I say hi once in awhile whatever. He goes to give me a high five and then holds my hand and says, "I think you are one of the sexiest girls". I froze, I was literally baffaled. I was like thank you, but then he let go and all of sudden his girlfriend comes up and he was like "and this is my girlfriend". I walked away, still in disbelief. No one has ever said something like that to me, ever. I tried to analyze it, figure out if maybe he said it out of a sick joke, but he was a little intoxicated, so I don't think it could be a sick joke. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Then I thought to myself, don't analyze it. It is what it is. For once in my life saskia, take the compliment and be proud of it. Don't wonder why they said and turn it into something bad. Don't you think for once in your lifetime, someone does find you attractive?

So I stopped anaylzing it and just let be. This doesn't mean I think I'm the shit. Far from it. I have a long way to go before I'm actually comfortable in my own skin. Baby steps. I see that boy all the time. But he will never know that his drunken words actually gave me some hope in myself. You never know what words can do to a person. Thank You mister, for putting a smile on my face.

Insecurities...

Today was a better day. I had a smile on that wasn't as fake as it would usually be. I was thinking today, about fears. Everyone has them and if you think about them they are very random stuff. Some people are scared of spiders, some people are scared of the dark.

Myself, am not scared of much. Not alot of things scare me. But I do have one big fear. It's probably the biggest fear I have. Rejection. The ability of someone saying "No" to me.  Honestly I hate it. I get sick to my stomache when I get turned down which is why I don't take too much risk and I don't take huge leaps with alot of things in life. I hate rejection more than anything in the world. Every since I was little, I never really liked asking my parents for things because I was scared of them saying No to me. I get sick to my stomache when I have to ask someone a question. It's really painful. I mean I understand I no one likes rejection, I get it, obviously it's not the best thing in the world. Like no one jumps around and screams for joy when they are rejected. I understand that. But with me, I don't handle rejection well at all. If I get said No to once, I won't ever ask again and I will lose all hope in everything I do and not bother moving on. I guess you could say I've let that keep me back a lot but it really hasn't. My secret, it's no secret I just do it myself. I don't ask for favors I'm pretty independent and what not. But there are somethings I just can't do. When someones like"what's the worst thing they could say , No?" I'm always like yes, that to me is by far the WORST thing someone could say to me. Like I said I don't handle rejection to well.

Like a perfect example; last weekend I was at this party with some friends at a friends house. I met this kid, his name was chris. I had talked to him all night and he loved me, thought I was so funny and what not and we were cool. So one of my friends was like, ask him to dance. This was the convo:

KB: "Ask him to dance!?"
Me: "WHAT!?!"
KB: "Ask him to dance just do it!"
Me: "I can't, what if he says no, I don't want to deal with that"
KB: "If you don't do it, then I will ask him for you"
Me: *silence*
KB:"I'm gonna"
Me:"okay I'll ask him"

And so I did, and to my surprise, he said yes and was actually really happy to dance with me and we had fun and I danced with him the entire time. It was great.

My issue: I need to grow some balls, and do things like that more often. Like I really do because I've missed so many oppurtunites in my lifetime because I was always too scared of people saying no to me. I'm really scared of things like that.

My goal: To grow a pair and do it. Just do it. Like what exactly is stopping me? Oh wait now I remember..ALL MY INSECURITES and MY LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

Like what can I do, to feel good about myself? If I don't feel good about myself, then no one will feel good about me! Does that make sense? What do I do? How do I become more comfortable with myself?

Truth..

I'm scared that I'll never be good enough for any boy.

I wish I was good enough, just for once...

One Other Person In the World

I read this today on sixbillionsecrets.com and almost burst into tears. Whoever you are out there I know how you feel.

I always make sure I ask my friends how they are.
I've listen to them rant. I've listen to them complain about how horrible a day they had.

I've even talked one out of believing he didn't have a purpose in living.

But just once I wish some one would ask me how my day was.

Because the smile I wear grows more and more fake each day

Be By Myself

I had a really shitty day today. Like honestly one of the worst days so far. Like first off, I know I'm starting to get sick I can feel it in my throat (no pun intended). Second I'm extremely tired its ridicoulous. I got in one of the moods again where I just hate everything about myself, like legit everything about it. I like wanted to cry all day and what not. I've been just so upset with myself, not anyone else but myself. Like today I legit hated myself and it brings my self-esteem or well lack of even more down. Like it's one of those times where I feel so low about myself that all my thoughts begin to consume my entire life. I feel like if I were to talk to anyone, no one would even understand me. I'm ALWAYS around to listen to other peoples problems, but I just KNOW when it comes to my own no one will give two flying fucks about it. Yes I just know it already. I guess it's just easier for the world to just come to me and tell me their problems, I'll listen, I'll care I'll help, no big deal. It's fine if no one listens to me. It's funny what a smile can hide. Everyone sees it and thinks eveythings just dandy and sweet in a persons life...people need to learn to really open their eyes more often to the world. At practice today I fucked up once and I almost BALLED my eyes out. Not because I fucked up but everything just came back and I got overwhelmed with everything I was so pisssed off about and got so mad. I really wanted to cry. I never want to cry in front of my teammates, as much as their my sisters, it shows weakness because deep down, I can't stay strong, but someone has to. I have to show that I am a strong person because I'm tired of the bullshit I got when I wasn't. But really deep down, I'm shattered to pieces and have no idea how to put myself back together. But no one knows that side of me. It's a cruel world out there, you show any sign of weakness you will honestly get ripped apart and I'm terrified that one day that will happen...

For now I'm just going to sit back and smile and listen to the world because I know one day the world will hear me, loud and cear.

I Need A Sign...

Okay. So were going to get snowed in again. Yay!=] It literally has snowed every week since the last big storm in December. NO SCHOOL! Good enough for me=]

Anyway. I'm kind of ticked off. Theres just so much bothering me right now, I don't even know how to explain it all. I'm bummed because my best friend is on crutches so now we can't cause trouble and shoot the shit like we use too. So now I'm confined to this dorm with a bunch of stuck up barbie doll looking bitched that I don't even like for the rest of tonight. Everyone else lives on the other side of campus and like I said, it's snowing and FPU is a hill. Or 5 different hills. I have on friend whose just bugging the shit out of me. Like I want to punch her face, she's so annoying. And SUCH an attention whore. Like everyone needs to be focused on just focused on her. If were not she gets pissed. Like honesty get over yourself. No one give a two flying fucks about you. That's my rant for the day.

I've decided I'm giving up on the whole nonsense that theres such thing as fucking love. I was talking to on of my good friends and we were discussing how sometimes we just want to give up. Just stop all together and honestly I'm to that point where I just want to. I feel like life isnt worth chasing around something I know I will never have. Then I look at some people who honestly don't deserve great people and it's like what am I doing wrong?? Do I not deserve the same thing everyone else is having? Do I not deserve to be loved? I need a very big sign...please.

Why Bother?

Why do we try so hard? Like really, I'm serious. We wake up everyday and worry about what other people think of us. We spend countless hours in front of a mirror that obviously lies to us everyday of our lives because we don't recieve the approval that we expected from other people and then lose a little self-esteem everyday. So why do we bother? What is it with people and wanting to seek others approvals? Shouldn't what one person sees in the mirror be all the approval we need? Why do we go through great lengths to just either get shut down, or not even get noticed at all? I mean I bet that everytime I actually try to look decent when going out in publics I'm still another face in the crowd or we get judged or made fun of. "People-watchers" they shit on everyone, I know because I do it too. And the things that I say are pretty bad, so sometime I wonder what people say about me? Thinking about it makes me somewhat sick to my stomache.

Always Smile...

So great news! Rupert is back with me=] Although it was huge fucking drama filled trip to the computer store..I won't bother explaining cause it's too long of complete bullshit. So now I will be updating from school! I have soooooo much to vent about so I'm not sure where exactly to start but I'll try my best to start off.

So I guess we'll start off with rugby. It started already! We have been working our asses off for like the past week. A couple of us started going to the gym last week and ran around and I honestly thought I was all set. Legit. SET. So we've been going to the gym throwing around the ball and what not. Well CLEARLY it wasn't enough, because when practice actually did start this past week,. well lets just say we sure did have it coming for us. We ran 7 laps around our track, and then did sprints and then ran the ball up and down  the field. It may sound gross but I don't give a fuck I sweated SO MUCH. Now on Monday we have to run 5&1/2 laps which equals a whole fucking mile. And to make life even better, there timed. Yup, it's def going to take me a whole FUCKING HOUR. NBD. I'll do the best I can I guess.

You know what I hate? Okay my problem. I have this friend. Right, crazy I have friends! Anyway, were good friends and sometimes I can't help but think that theres something there. Even the tinest bit of chemistry. I don't know, I can just feel it! You know. But then when I actually think about it, I feel somewhat stupid for even thinking that something could ever be and then I get really down in the dumps about it. Sometimes I feel as though I really should give up on trying anything with anyone. I think to myself, "Am I even worth it? Is there ever such thing as hope? And the real question is, should I have it?"

Well, I don't know when I'll have answers to those questions for you, hopefully I end up doing having answers to them. STORY OF MY LIFE
-saskia

Time Off...

So I'm back at school. Unfortunately I don't have my laptop (rupert) with me because well mirco-center fucked up and haven't been able to send it back to me. Make a long story short I split some soda on the keyboard so I'm haven't it fixed but it wont be ready for another week:( I don't know what I'm gonna do. Maybe this will give me some time to actually focus on me and not the distractions of technology and facebook and all the crap. But I do miss. SOOO make another long story short I can't give much updates for a while...if anyone reading the shit that I put on this...which I highly doubt. Whatever, I still try=) Well until next time!

P.s. pats and jets are playing....GO PATS!

Judgement Free Enviroment

I came to a realization today. Some things are meant to stay in the dark. It's best if we don't find out somethings because maybe were too scared to know the real truth. Maybe the truth may make us or break us. Or maybe the truth is just too hard to handle. I'm not sure but I've learned that there are somethings I really just don't want to know. If I'm going to say this, I'm just going to have to come all out with it. No judgements from anyone please. It's a free fucking world get over it. I spent the day with my father today. Me and him have a really close relationship but lately somethings just seemed off with him. Last weekend we went out and we ordered pizza for my little sister. Well I had gone inside and got the pizza and came back I smelt weed.

Me: "Do you smell that?"
Dad: "Smell what??"
Me:"That smell how can you not smell it?"
Dad: "Nope smell nothing"
Me: "Dad, it smells like weed!"
Dad: "How do you know what it smells like?"
Me: ******(silence) "uhm a lot of people on campus smoke it I know";)

And so that was that for now. Then we went to the movies and were mad early for it. So me and my sister went inside and got tickets and then went  back to the car and waited in there.It smelt like weed again...then my dad reached over for the glove box and the smell was coming from him. But of course I was in denial so I was like no, not my dad he wouldn't.

Let me give you my history. Dad use to smoke weed and drink alot when he was younger. Then one day he just stopped and didn't drink or smoke for years. My dad is not an alcholic nor is he a pothead so don't get any ideas of him being a bad father because he's far from it. He did all of this before he was married and had kids. Well about 2-3 years ago my parents had a really bad divorce and now times are tough. During that time, it was really hard for me to cope with the fact that he wasn't around. So I ended up smoking A LOT. It was bad. I felt like weed was my only way of escaping reality. So I became a HUGE pothead my senior year of high school. Then one day I told myself this is not how I should solve my problems. I still smoke but not as much as before. Actually I don't smoke a lot just on occasions and I certainly don't judge anyone that does it. Live free is what I say.

Anywho, so today I went to my Dad's apartment and was just looking around his place and I found a joint. I froze I had no idea what to do. I wasn't even sure how to feel. I was confused but a little humored but just shocked. I didn't expect him to go back to it. So I put it back and left. He drove me home and the entire way I wanted to tell him I found it. The words were right there. But the problem was I didn't really know what to say. I was still shocked. And I felt like if I did confront him about it, he would have felt uncomfortable, which I didn't want him to feel because I didn't care I've done it before. But then I felt like if I did, then it would be a little akward. So I kept it to myself and decided that I didn't want to know why he went back to smoking. I'd rather not be bothered with all that stuff. I decided that he is a grown man and is very wise and that he knew what he was doing. If he hadn't done it before than I would be a little worried, but he has. And so have I and I know what it does. I know how it feels to want to escape reality and pretend that there are no problems in the world. I know it's not the best answer but it's something to ease ones mind. I don't think of him any different, I still see him as my great old dad. And then I thought, what was I so worried about. I LOVE it when older people smoke weed! I think it's the best way to say, "Yes, I don't give a shit, I do what I want and live my life how I want." Maybe one day I will say something but for now I'm just going to leave it as it is, in the dark, I don't want to know, I don't care and I'm going to live my life like I never found out. I mean, some of my friends, their parents smoke and their perfectly fine with is. It doesn't change who they are. It's not like he's doing lines or shoting up(THANK GOD). Then I think we'd have a problem. I love him no matter. He's my dad, my hero, my everything...<3

Snooooow....

Good ole' Wilmington MA got up to 24 inches of snow today. We got more than everyone else. Yup love my town. And guess who the FUCK had to shovel it all?! Yessss my friends, this pissed off chick right here. Except I'm not that pissed off about it. It was actually nice to get outside. I want to go sledding SOO bad...I've always wanted to try snowboarding too. Hopefully I get to do that someday. I was even nice enough to do my neighbors sidewalk which could have been the length of fucking half a football field. Like fuck the gym let's shovel sidewalks! I don't have much to say today. But uhm the snows still falling so yeaah, I'm going to have to do it tommorow morning again. YES! LOVE my LIFE! And I just love how 49 states have snow on the ground except for Florida who clearly is too good for snow. What the fuck EVER FL. Rub it in our faces why don't you, with you sunny skies and hot guys on wonderful beaches...

-saskia

Let's NOT Talk...

Dear Lady that Cleaned My Teeth Today,

    Well you did better than my last dentist so thats a plus. You were really nice so you get some brownie points there. What I don't understand is why you always try and have a full blown conversation with me when my mouth is wide open! I mean I can't say anything to when you do that, I end up sounding like a fucking retard. But yet you continue to force small talk upon me. Are you amused by my inability to move my mouth therefore making me sound stupid or do you seriously think it's normal to talk to me with your hand half way down my throat? I'm just a little bit confused that's all. I just don't understand why you continue to try and humiliate me while you clean my teeth? I mean I'd appreciate it if you didn't or maybe like tell me a story that invovles me not having to speak up. It would be easier than having to answer your questions about my life. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't try to force conversation with me till after you get your hand out of my mouth. Or get all the questions out of the way before you shove my mouth open. Either way, I won't feel stupid while your cleaning my teeth. That's all I wanted say. Nothing more. Thank you for the fabulous job and I can't wait to get my wisdom teeth out=/.

                                                                                                           Sincerely
                                                                A Confused Patient

A Letter to An Old Friend...

Dear Ex-Best Friend

I've had this on my chest for almost 3 years. Everytime I try to forget you, I can't. It's too hard to give up the one person who I thought actually gave a shit. So why do I keep going back to remembering you always being there for me? You treated me like shit. Whenever it was just me and you, you always cared. You were always good to me and I actually really considered you almost like family. But then you changed. Something changed in you after you ran way for the first time. You weren't my best friend anymore. Then you came back with a new boyfriend. I didn't care because I'm not the type that looks for attention. But I was the type that needed a friend to always be there. And the times I needed one, you were no where to be found and it hurt a whole lot to realize that I was alone in the world and that even the one person I considered to be my other half wasn't anywhere to be found. How could you just leave me like that? After awhile everytime I did see you, it was never just me and you anymore. You always brought around whatever boyfriend you were dating at the time and I just couldn't deal with that anymore. Whenever someone else was around you turned into a whole different person. Why did you have to change? I liked you just the way you were. Do you realize how hard it was for me to grip the fact that I was losing yet another person in my life? After my parents had gotten into huge fight and divorced, you had been there for me. My dad had been my everything and then I had to get used to the fact that he wouldn't be around anymore. I had lost one person in my life...and then I had to deal with losing you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate that you thought other people were more important than I was. I had been there first! I was always there for you when you needed me to be. I was always there when you wanted to hang out. Why couldn't you do the same for me? I feel like through your mind I wasn't going anywhere. That no matter how much you hurt me, everything was always okay in your eyes. I admit, I played it off as though everything was. But you were suppose to be my best friend..couldn't you see that everything wasn't? In order for me to stop having hope in you changing, I had to stop talking to you and let go. But a real friend wouldn't have let me go, they would've fought for a good thing to fucking last! All you cared about was your fucking boyfriend...so I stopped and so did you. We don't talk anymore and I pretend I don't give a shit that your out of my life for good. But deep down I can't pretend that a day goes by that I don't miss you. There I said, I miss being friends with you because you were the only one that actually understood me. It's too late now. Even though I do miss you, I don't want to talk things over. I don't want to go back to the way things used be with you anymore. I want nothing to do with you. I have nothing but anger towards you now. I can't promise that if we ever cross paths one day I would stop and say hello, because you hurt me too much for you to ever be worth my time. I don't think you understand how bad you really did hurt me. I came to the point were I lost all hope in anyone ever really caring about me and being there for me when I need someone. I hope you have a good life, because all I'm trying to do is live my mine.

                                                                                                                       Love
                                                                                                                          A Hurt Friend

Fairytales aren't meant for Reality..

Here we go...

I got that feeling again today. I felt really low and sad and just flat out lonely. The worst part was, I really had no one to talk to today. Absoulutely no one. I mean I try really hard to get out of these funks and keep my mind occupied with different things, but no matter how hard I try, even just for a second I remember how lonely I really am. It's sad. I feel sad. It's been an okay week. I haven't felt shitty like this in awhile. I wish there was a solid answer on how to be happy. I hate being home for this long because it always happens. I always get really depressed and just wish I wasn't here anymore. I didn't even leave my room to do anything...well I mean I took a shower and shit like that but thats about it. It sucks cause all I really do is sit and think...ALOT and then my thoughts start to get really sad and I basically recap my life and realize that it isn't really all that great. I don't really know what I want to do after college. No boyfriend. I always feel ugly and have no self-confidence what-so-ever. I end up feeling like I have nothing going for me at all. I sometimes wonder..where exactly am I going with my life? Do I really think I'm going somewhere? I wish I could just get a glimpse of my future just to see where I will end up. Will I be a powerful business woman with tremendous amount of money? Or am I going to be a struggling woman just getting by everyday living paycheck to paycheck? I don't want that. Not only will I be living a shitty life, but the disappoiment that I bring upon my parents, especially my Dad, will suck. Another thing that bothers me is that what if I die single and unmarried, childless and just so depressed and miserable. I really don't want that. I want a family, I want someone to love me. I want to find love, unconditional, can't live without,crazy about you love. I would rather be struggling and madly in love with my husband than be rich as fucking shit and barely talk to my husband and have him be sneaking around on me. I envy families like that. Where everything seems perfect. The parents are in love and they have beautiful children and the parents actually care about their children. I want my family to be like that so bad. Sorry, I know I just jumped from one subject to another, but whatever you guys will have to get use to it.

I just wish I could fix everything in my life. With just  wave of a wand or whatever shit makes wishes and miracles happen, and *poof* my life would be everything I'd want it to be. Unfortunately life isn't as easy a wave of  wand. What I really need to do is stop thinking so much. I have way too much time on my hands and thats all I find myself doing. I need my friends now. I need to be away from home and back at school where I can keep busy and not worry too much about my pathetic life. It won't be long before I can be happy again...

Really....

6 days left.

I'll just tell you about my day. So today I went over my good friend Sam's house. I havent seen her in awhile so it was a lot of fun with our other friend whose name happens to be Sam as well. We hung out with her family and played games, it was actually really nice catching up and what not. We made a billon sugar cookies so I got to take some home. Heres where things went down hill. I made this huge gingerbread mand sugar cookie right and I had three other cookies in the bag. I was actually saving the big one for my friends, ya know to be nice. I didn't want any of them so I thought it would be a nice gesture. Well my mother got to them and I told her not to take the big one because I really wanted to save it for them Well she gets PISSED and is like blah blah blah, you can't even let me take one cookie...THERES THREE OTHER ONES blah blah that I'm selfish and that I don't appreciate anything blah blah...all this BS about life..because I didn't give her ONE COOKIE! Like really, you want to pick a fight over a cookie..like PISS OFF...I CANNOT WAIT TO LEAVE...seriously like she always is like this, she always likes to yell and pick fights..I'm telling you guys one day I'm gonna be gone..long gone and I'm not loooking back not once. I'm not saying this out of anger or fustration. I've been saying this for AWHILE...when I leave this house for good, I'm not looking back once because I need to move on with my life. I don't need nonsense this to stress me out and make me mad. I don't need to be angry. I'm not an angry person, but she brings it out on me and I just want to punch something. I'm leaving saturday...I CANNOT WAIT! good ole frankie p never looked any better...

90s Babies

Sorry it's been awhile! So me and my mom were watching the news and one of the stories was about something..lol I don't remember exactly what but I thought they said payphones and I started to have a full blown conversation with mum about how payphones don't exsist. I don't think I've seen a pay phone since the 8th grade, besides at the library but thats it. Are they still around? Do people still use them? I don't know, someone please give me solid proof that a pay phone that is in full service still exsist because as of right now I think they were all ripped out of the ground and thrown out because cell phones and cool gadgets replaced them. And do people still have dial up? Someone really needs to tell me if these things still exsist because our world is changing day by day right before our eyes and no one is even noticing this fast pace society and what it has become. Remember beenie babies? And the little trolls with different colored hairs? What were they called? I don't remember, and N 64! Yess I still have mine that works and now I actually might play it on it sooon, even better bring it up to school with me! I did last year but we didn't play it much...I'm gonna bring it up, I've decided=] And how sketchers were actually cool and now they really look stupid, it makes me want to punch the person wearing them right in the mouth. What are they, "shape ups"? Really, did you actually walk into a store and say "Wow those sneakers look really cute, can I try them on?" Even better, do we all remember what a cd was? Like I'm surprised how much things have changed. Don't get me wrong I LOVE changes and it's great how much things have developed, but what happen to my generations childhood, I feel like we have nothing left of it. Rugrats came on the other day and I almost died. All week long I've been watching Rugrats, Ren and Stimpy, Flinstones, The Jetsons, Topcat all those old shows. On Christmas they gave Hey Arnold the movie, you would imagine how I felt. I almost died. But looking at it now, they were 9 years old and were going everywhere!!! Like I'm 19 and can't go anywhere, like WTF? I'm now just waiting for the beloved Doug and I'll be all set. And Catdog! Theres just so many shows that I loved that can never come back anymore=[
Well thats my rant, it's been on my mind all day. Craiglist Killers on at 9 so, I'm going to watch it, hopefully it doesn't suck!=p
saskia-

p.s The Wild Thornberries and Rocko's Modern Life, Rocket Power and All That!!